So I've had a couple requests to elaborate more on my pivotal moment. The moment when I decided to change my life. The ah ha moment. Catharsis. My most important epiphany. For me this occurred over seas. I was on my very first college spring break vacation. I was in Costa Rica with one of my best friends and her family. My friend Sarah is incredibly fit, her brother is in shape without even trying, and her mom really likes to document their excursions with photos..
Pictures aren't my favorite thing when I'm feeling fat (remember fat is not a feeling. I'm thinking that I was thinking that I was fat). More importantly, Sarah's mom was taking pictures of us. Lots of "candid" shots where we weren't posing. Lots of bikini posing pictures. I didn't like this at first. But I couldn't ask her not to document our vacation. This vacation was as much hers as it was mine and if taking pictures makes it more enjoyable for her then that is what she should do. So she would take pictures. I would look at the pictures and never be satisfied with my body.
While laying on the hammock on the first day of our trip I thought about these unflattering pictures. Finally I got to the point where I realized that worrying about these pictures should not be what I'm thinking about on this once in a life time vacation. I was surrounded my beautiful scenery, beautiful animals, and beautiful native people. I decided that I would focus on the amazing trip instead of my insecurities. I would wear bikinis and tank tops and shorts and appreciate the weather. I would pose in pictures and choose not to check them out after they were taken. After all it's not like I was going to delete them. I chose to just forget about my body and my insecurities and enjoy the trip. While I did this I had fun! I worked out once a day with Sarah because I wanted to not because I had to. Our diet consisted of cereal, sandwiches, fruit, and the native cuisine. This wasn't what I usually ate. Usually I ate a ton of vegetables along with an array of foods.
It was safe to say that I was out of my comfort zone. But surprisingly I was alright with it. I liked not being on a strict schedule with school and whatever else. I liked being hit on my the local boys even though I doubted their taste. Soon enough I figured out that this is my body. This is what my body will look like for the entire trip. I can complain about it and feel like a failure or I can have a blast. I chose to have a blast.
I got back to Colorado after by excursion and was so pumped about my binge/purge free vacation that I stayed clean. I went to the grocery store and bought mostly healthy food and some other items I knew I would crave. I ate these foods in a sensible amount and didn't have the urge to purge. YES! Then I was presented with the opportunity to spend the next five days in Moab, Utah with a bunch of my friends and some of their friends. It was great! I didn't really have an option to choose my own food. All the food was purchased already and it was not what I would've chosen. But with my new attitude towards food and living in the moment I was okay with the lack of control.
The trip was awesome. We got down and dirty, climbed rocks, hiked, mobbed in the four runners, and hung by the fire. I was as active as I wanted to be. If I wanted a workout I'd scale some huge boulder and throw some rocks. There was no opportunity to go to a gym and I survived. That was the first time I'd gone that long without exercise since I was 13.
These trips taught me that living is more important than being thin. I learned that your body will be fine if you don't workout everyday. Your body still functions when it's being fed no vegetables. Memories last a life time and so does recovery.
Since these trips I have stayed strong. I have not binged or purged. I've had thoughts of falling off the wagon but my friends, family, and love for my new life keep me going.
Bre: recovering more everyday ED: disdain for a couple Costa Rica pictures.
PS even "bad" pictures represent a memory. Don't delete them.
It was safe to say that I was out of my comfort zone. But surprisingly I was alright with it. I liked not being on a strict schedule with school and whatever else. I liked being hit on my the local boys even though I doubted their taste. Soon enough I figured out that this is my body. This is what my body will look like for the entire trip. I can complain about it and feel like a failure or I can have a blast. I chose to have a blast.
I got back to Colorado after by excursion and was so pumped about my binge/purge free vacation that I stayed clean. I went to the grocery store and bought mostly healthy food and some other items I knew I would crave. I ate these foods in a sensible amount and didn't have the urge to purge. YES! Then I was presented with the opportunity to spend the next five days in Moab, Utah with a bunch of my friends and some of their friends. It was great! I didn't really have an option to choose my own food. All the food was purchased already and it was not what I would've chosen. But with my new attitude towards food and living in the moment I was okay with the lack of control.
The trip was awesome. We got down and dirty, climbed rocks, hiked, mobbed in the four runners, and hung by the fire. I was as active as I wanted to be. If I wanted a workout I'd scale some huge boulder and throw some rocks. There was no opportunity to go to a gym and I survived. That was the first time I'd gone that long without exercise since I was 13.
These trips taught me that living is more important than being thin. I learned that your body will be fine if you don't workout everyday. Your body still functions when it's being fed no vegetables. Memories last a life time and so does recovery.
Since these trips I have stayed strong. I have not binged or purged. I've had thoughts of falling off the wagon but my friends, family, and love for my new life keep me going.
Bre: recovering more everyday ED: disdain for a couple Costa Rica pictures.
PS even "bad" pictures represent a memory. Don't delete them.
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