WARNING: Not as upbeat and happy as I like to write.
So eating disorders and depression are directly correlated. Anorexic people are 50 times more likely to die from suicide. Depression leads to eating disorders. In my opinion this is because people are so depressed and feeling like they can't change anything in their life that they attempt to control something. They attempt to control their weight. Even if they can't control a single thing they can usually what goes in and out of their mouth. If they don't eat enough food they will lose weight. FACT. Non debatable. Eating disorders lead to depression. This is because having an eating disorder is really tough on your body mentally, physically, and surely emotionally. After awhile you start getting discouraged. You think that you can't even be good at having an eating disorder.. What kind of twisted distortion is that? You're sad because you can't starve your body enough? It sounds crazy but it's real. I used to live or die by how little I ate, how "good" I ate, and how many calories I think I burned from working out that day. If I think I did bad at being bulimic that day I would become mad and disappointed because all I thought I needed to be happy was a 25 inch waist.
In the later stages of bulimia I accepted that I was a lost cause. I thought that because I've tried recovering and relapsed that I should just go with it. I will just binge and purge. Watch my performace take a turn for the worst and then hate myself. I lost all hope. Because I wasn't successful with recovery and successful in all aspects of life (I was a perfectionist) I was a failure.
There were times when I thought that death would be a relief to me. I didn't care about physically living. In my mind, I was okay with dying. Sometimes I wished that an accident would happen to me that would kill me so people wouldn't think I'd killed myself. When I thought about death I never truly considered killing myself. I just kinda wished that it would happen to me. I couldn't end my own life because there was to many people that cared to much about me. Killing myself wouldn't be fair to my parents, friends, and other family. That would be selfish. And I just wouldn't and couldn't do it.
I look back on all the times I cried. I used to cry by myself after a day of acting like I didn't mind being made fun of. I used to cry when I looked in the mirror and didn't see myself getting skinnier. I used to cry when a boy didn't like me. I thought that it was because I wasn't skinny enough. There for I wasn't good enough. In reality, I was to wrapped up in my own concerns about my weight to notice the little things. I was to wrapped up in my insecurities to see the guys that actually saw something in me. I only really cried if it had something to do with my body. If something bad happened to me I would relate it back to my weight. What I was doing was wrong. All this crying happened when I was below the age of 14. Once I hit 14 or so I stopped crying and started hiding my emotions with binges. Didn't want to workout? Instead of taking a nap or day off I'd binge and take a little more out of my body. Have to much time between things to do? I'll just binge to eat the time away. Fight with a friend? Eating should solve that too. WRONG. Eating to cover my feelings solved nothing for me. It just made me feel hopeless.
Wow... That was depressing... I'm really sorry about that. I would say it wont happen again but I probably will talk about somethings that are just as depressing. The reality is that having an eating disorder is a sad sad life. BUT..
When you start recovering, you start to see the little or even the big things that have been going unnoticed. It's almost as if you have been living your life with a mosquito net over your face. You just aren't seeing clearly. But when you start to recover and start to accept yourself for who and what you are. When you start to love you for you. And tolerate your body enough to give it time to change in a healthy way you start to remove your mosquito vale and see life and the world around you through the same rose colored glasses as the hippies of Colorado do. You notice that the feeling of the earth under your bare feet feels like a mini pedicure. You start to notice why you feel in love with your friends in the first place. You start seeing the people who love you. You want to do good and pay it forward because you are so happy that you want everyone to feel the way you do. You start to FEEL your emotions. You cry instead of binge. You contemplate instead of purge. I can't tell you how grateful I am for every relapse free day. Everyone of those days gives me a reminder for why I'd never go back to the hell hole that is bulimia. These relapse free days are what I live for and why I didn't try to die.
This spring break in Moab, Utah I'd look over the side of cliffs and I'd think about what I might've done a few years back. I might have jumped. I might've made it look like an accident. Looking over the cliffs during spring break of 2013 I had no thoughts of dying. I was careful while hopping from rock to rock. I didn't want to fall. I loved the life I was living and the joy I was getting from recovery and making people proud. Recovery saved my life.
I hope it can save yours too.
Bre: Joyful Living ED: Memories of Despair.
I look back on all the times I cried. I used to cry by myself after a day of acting like I didn't mind being made fun of. I used to cry when I looked in the mirror and didn't see myself getting skinnier. I used to cry when a boy didn't like me. I thought that it was because I wasn't skinny enough. There for I wasn't good enough. In reality, I was to wrapped up in my own concerns about my weight to notice the little things. I was to wrapped up in my insecurities to see the guys that actually saw something in me. I only really cried if it had something to do with my body. If something bad happened to me I would relate it back to my weight. What I was doing was wrong. All this crying happened when I was below the age of 14. Once I hit 14 or so I stopped crying and started hiding my emotions with binges. Didn't want to workout? Instead of taking a nap or day off I'd binge and take a little more out of my body. Have to much time between things to do? I'll just binge to eat the time away. Fight with a friend? Eating should solve that too. WRONG. Eating to cover my feelings solved nothing for me. It just made me feel hopeless.
Wow... That was depressing... I'm really sorry about that. I would say it wont happen again but I probably will talk about somethings that are just as depressing. The reality is that having an eating disorder is a sad sad life. BUT..
When you start recovering, you start to see the little or even the big things that have been going unnoticed. It's almost as if you have been living your life with a mosquito net over your face. You just aren't seeing clearly. But when you start to recover and start to accept yourself for who and what you are. When you start to love you for you. And tolerate your body enough to give it time to change in a healthy way you start to remove your mosquito vale and see life and the world around you through the same rose colored glasses as the hippies of Colorado do. You notice that the feeling of the earth under your bare feet feels like a mini pedicure. You start to notice why you feel in love with your friends in the first place. You start seeing the people who love you. You want to do good and pay it forward because you are so happy that you want everyone to feel the way you do. You start to FEEL your emotions. You cry instead of binge. You contemplate instead of purge. I can't tell you how grateful I am for every relapse free day. Everyone of those days gives me a reminder for why I'd never go back to the hell hole that is bulimia. These relapse free days are what I live for and why I didn't try to die.
This spring break in Moab, Utah I'd look over the side of cliffs and I'd think about what I might've done a few years back. I might have jumped. I might've made it look like an accident. Looking over the cliffs during spring break of 2013 I had no thoughts of dying. I was careful while hopping from rock to rock. I didn't want to fall. I loved the life I was living and the joy I was getting from recovery and making people proud. Recovery saved my life.
I hope it can save yours too.
Bre: Joyful Living ED: Memories of Despair.
No comments:
Post a Comment