Making Up for Lost Time

Hey!

So I've been back at school for a week now! It's official, I love Colorado State this time around just as much as I did the first time. Just now I took a writing break because I started hearing this beautiful music from down the hall it was a kid singing and playing  "Soul Sister." He finished that song with so much charisma and energy that the pack of women listening to him from the hall demanded to hear another. He stared playing another song. Saying that I was in awe would be an understatement. I was enamored. This song was funny and so relatable. I swear this kid is the male Taylor Swift! I might be in love? Well actually I'm sure that I'm not but I am extremely distraught that his songs aren't accessible to the average bear yet...

Sorry I got sidetracked. But I guess that is a great segway for my next point. Post recovery I have realized that it is much more important to get caught in a moment than to do "what you're supposed to be doing." Pre recovery I wouldn't have cared that his boy had a beautiful voice with fingers that could pluck that guitar like a thanksgiving turkey. I would've been binging, maybe doing endless hours of cardio, maybe laying in my bed asleep after purging away the energy that my body so desperately needed. I would've been applying for scholarships, looking for a job, doing homework. I would've been doing something else! Even though some of the things I mentioned before are things that "I should be doing" they wouldn't make me feel the way this music made me feel.

There is something to be said about being productive. It's great! Sometimes we need to be productive. But certainly not for all of our waking hours. Western society tells us to be busy. If we aren't being productive we aren't being upstanding citizens. Western society is wrong. We need mental health breaks. We need to drop what we are doing and seize opportunities. We need to appreciate every moment.

I guess I'm extra passionate about Carpe Diem because I spent 5 plus years doing  what I thought I should be doing. I thought I should be skinny so I restricted. I thought I needed to be perfect so I worked really hard and got perfect grades. I thought that other peoples opinions of me mattered more than my own. I was wrong. I was so wrong. I spent all my time changing who I was. Changing the beautiful baby girl that my parents made.

When I think back on all my wasted minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years I'm bummed. You might be thinking... "You're bummed? Is that all? Shouldn't you feel more than bummed?" If you asked me that I would tell you that bummed is all I feel about my lost time. Don't get me wrong. I would never recommend any of the ED oriented things I did to anyone. But now. Now with all the new love I have for life. I've come to peace with ED. I used to have an ED. It sucked. It really did. But now. I have the privilege of living everyday like I missed out on the past 5 years. Today I look in the mirror and smile because I'm beautiful inside and out. I love myself. I love what I have accomplished.

Maybe today I didn't accomplish much homework. But I listened to beautiful music and loved myself and a number of wonderful people around me.

Live your life like you're making up for lost time. In actuality, I'd rather you get lost in time.

Love and be loved.

This Summer

Oh man! Oh man! Oh man!

This summer was over all fantastic! I feel like I say that after every summer because they all have their memorable moments that make you remember them as fantastic. This summer had some of those awesome, on-top-of-the-world moments for sure. But when I look back on this summer I remember more than the sureal moments that made me post sappy twitter posts or hug acquaintances. When I look back on this summer or even these past 6 months I see so much progress I've made. So much self development. I can't help but be proud of myself.

Lets start with the foundation I laid in Colorado before I even when home. I talked with my psychologist and nutritionist about the fears I had about being home with all the same triggers that had set me off into a spiral of self-discomfort in the past. I told them I didn't know how I would spend the time that I used to be binging and purging. That's a lot of new time to have on my hands. I don't have a ton of non active hobbies. This is what I enjoy: Crossfit, exercise, friends, family, being outside, hiking, biking, boating, walking my dogs, basically anything active and exciting! But I can't spend all my time moving. My recovery team wanted me to spend time on myself in a restful state. So I didn't know How I would spend my time. I ended up opening pandora's box of time and finding that I didn't really have to "plan" my time so much. I just kind of went where the wind took me. Cliche but whatever. I just worked out if I could, if I had the time, and the energy. I went outside if It was beautiful and I couldn't feel whole under a roof. I spent time with the ones I loved. In all honesty. I did whatever I wanted and my summer turned out perfectly.

I came home to Alaska from Colorado nervous that my friends would notice that I've gotten bigger. Normally I'd say gained weight but recently I've discovered that weight (the force of an object due to gravity) has almost no correlation to volume (the amount of space you take up.) Yeahhhhhh, think about it. I'm leaving Alaska to go back to school now without a care in the world. I know my friends wont judge me based on my size or anything else. My friends know my story and know how hard I've worked to become who I am. My friends love me no matter what I look like. I do Crossfit and I workout for me. Not to impress anyone. Not so I look better in a bikini. Not to fit into the jeans I wore in high school. I workout because it makes me feel invincible. If you've seen me after a workout you know that to be true.

This time last year I was so nervous to be eating in a buffet for three meals a day. I was so scared to have a plethora of deserts available at every meal. This year as I return to dorm food I'm pumped! There are so many opportunities to eat healthy and take advantage of all the fresh food. If I want some of the soft serve (I'm sure I will) I'm going to eat it. But this time around it's sensibly. I've come to discover that sugary foods don't sit well with me. I don't perform like the Mazaradi I am. When I eat sugary foods I perform more like a mini van. Slow and Steady. I'd rather be quick and full of energy so I'm going to eat the foods that make me feel that way. You should fill your tank with premium and not low grade fuel. You want to be a Mazaradi!

All in all, I am confident in the person I have morphed into. This summer I did a lot for me and learned a lot about myself and others. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

This might have been the best summer yet.

Much Love,

Bre: Constantly Chipper
Ed: Getting Chipped Away.

Magic Serum

Greetings!

So today is Sunday... Rest Day. Possibly the most boring day of my week. I just don't feel like I've done much through out the day if I don't work out. It doesn't really matter how much I get accomplished through out a rest day I still somewhat feel like I've wasted the day if I haven't gotten sweaty. I know that is irrational and that I should be proud of the things I accomplished today but really I'm not impressed. I would've rather not gotten anything done if It would've meant that I wouldn't have to take a rest day. Normally if it is a rest day and I am feeling wily I will workout anyways. Just do some Power Yoga or do some cardio without weight training but today I woke up still sore from Thursday's Deadlifts so I knew that if I wanted my body to get stronger and recover I'd have to give it the day. In all honestly by body could probably use more than just one rest day a week but at this point in my training I really want to stick to 6 days on 1 day off.

I feel bad about not giving my body what it craves sometimes. I know that sometimes I should just give my body a rest but I don't want to! I love to train. I genuinely love the feeling I get before, during, and after a workout. A huge part of my day consists of thinking about training thinking about goals and other aspects of becoming a better athlete. I don't think that is an eating disorder I think that is determination to reach my goals. If I have something else I HAVE to do that makes it impossible to workout on a day that is not Sunday I deal with it. It doesn't stress me out like it used to in the past. It's just a bummer that I can't train that day.

But back to being sore from Thursday. Just this afternoon my legs started feeling normal again. Its been 2 and a half days! Is that normal? Is that a sign that I haven't been giving my body enough protein or rest to recover? There are just so many variables. It's impossible to get everything right. I want some special serum that would allow me to not need recovery time. That would be wonderful.

But then I wonder that if I had that magic potion would it take something away from the fun of athletics. Probably. Maybe I don't want that. But what I do want is to be a fitness genius. I want to know exactly what to do to make my body function at it's optional level.

Anyways.. That was my rant.

Then I Saw My Number

Woah,
Yesterday was huge. It was a huge milestone in my ed recovery.

Here's how it went down. I was at crossfit, naturally. The WOD involved bench pressing your body weight. I was lifting with a crossfit competitor named Iris. She asked how much I weighed (just so she could help set up the weight I was going to bench.) I told her that I didn't know because I don't weigh myself. She said, "That's fine, step on the scale." and pointed to a silver contraption that used to measure  my self-worth. I thought about telling her that I didn't want to but the daring and proud part of me decided that I was ready to see my weight. Just a reminder: I hadn't seen my weight in 6 months. Just a reminder: The last time I saw my weight I freaked about and got ahold of my dietitian so she could talk some sense into me so I didn't binge and purge my way into oblivion.

Alright, lets continue with my story. I saw my weight. I was shocked. Iris didn't even bat an eyelash. I stepped off the scale and proceeded with our workout. I spoke minimally and acted completely different that I ever have acted in crossfit before. I couldn't think of anything except my weight gains. I didn't know how to feel. On one side I know that I have been working out more efficiently than I ever have before. On the other side I knew that I was also eating more than I ever have before. The whole time within my recovery I was concerned that I was overeating. To this very moment I'm not sure if I was overeating or simply eating the right amount.

Although I gained weight I don't believe that I look any bigger. I look more fit. More toned. Just because I know that I weight more does not change the fact that I have become more fit. I am still just as athletic and just as strong as I was before I knew I gained weight. This new knowledge of my weight should not change anything. I am no more or no less successful. I am no better or worse of a person. My self worth is tremendous and will not decrease due to a number on the scale.

It's been days since the day I saw my weight. I've come to terms with it. I've accepted it. I am strong as shit. Muscle is heavy as shit. If I need to weigh more to be the athlete and competitor I strive to be. SO BE IT! Being heavier and more muscular makes me no less attractive. If I feel sexy and display sexy people will see me for how I am and that is sexy.

Moral of the story: Your weight is only a number. I'm sure you've heard it before. But coming from someone who obsessed over it and cried over it for years might make it a little more validated. New knowledge doesn't need to change anything. Feel the way you want to be seen and that is how you shall be seen. Most of all. Recovery and life is about unconditional love and respect for yourself and others.

Keep on keeping on and love always. <3

New Friends

Hey guys!

So today I'd like to write about a super cool kid I met this summer. Technically she's not a kid.. She is actually 18. But since she just graduated from high school and has the soul of an 8 year old I'm going to call her a kid.

Anyways, we met at the camp we work at. We started goofing around after the second week or so. I guess kindred spirits are just drawn to one another. We are both sporty. We both act like children (me more so when I'm with her.) We both are genuinely happy people who don't let others get us down. We both like to wrestle. At first it was like I was always instigating it but by the end of this summer she was starting the brawls just as much as me (remember when I like someone, even a new friend, I need to touch them and be near them. If you can't handle it I will break you of your boundaries. That's not a threat but a promise.)

I've only known Monica for 12 weeks now. And yet I feel like we are best friends. I haven't told her that we are best friends yet but I'm going to ask her to read this so I guess she will find out. Cute huh? So even though I've only known Monica for 12 weeks I've gotten attached. It just goes to show that you don't have to know someone that long to know that you care for them. I'm going to be bummed when this little tyke goes off to college but I know that I've made a life long friend.

Love you Monica (D3!) She plays D3 soccer at Pacific Lutheran University. She thinks I'm making fun of her when I yell "Let's go D3!" but really I'm not. I think it's awesome that she gets to play the sport that she loves at a collegiate level. Hell my sport isn't even recognized by colleges yet.

Long story short. Let yourself get attached to new and exciting people. It might suck when they leave and you might miss them when you are apart but the time you spent together and the reunion you are bound to have will make the time apart just a blur.

That's Monica and I wrestling at camp, she tried to steal my phone. We aren't always the best example for the campers.