Yesterday was huge. It was a huge milestone in my ed recovery.
Here's how it went down. I was at crossfit, naturally. The WOD involved bench pressing your body weight. I was lifting with a crossfit competitor named Iris. She asked how much I weighed (just so she could help set up the weight I was going to bench.) I told her that I didn't know because I don't weigh myself. She said, "That's fine, step on the scale." and pointed to a silver contraption that used to measure my self-worth. I thought about telling her that I didn't want to but the daring and proud part of me decided that I was ready to see my weight. Just a reminder: I hadn't seen my weight in 6 months. Just a reminder: The last time I saw my weight I freaked about and got ahold of my dietitian so she could talk some sense into me so I didn't binge and purge my way into oblivion.
Alright, lets continue with my story. I saw my weight. I was shocked. Iris didn't even bat an eyelash. I stepped off the scale and proceeded with our workout. I spoke minimally and acted completely different that I ever have acted in crossfit before. I couldn't think of anything except my weight gains. I didn't know how to feel. On one side I know that I have been working out more efficiently than I ever have before. On the other side I knew that I was also eating more than I ever have before. The whole time within my recovery I was concerned that I was overeating. To this very moment I'm not sure if I was overeating or simply eating the right amount.
Although I gained weight I don't believe that I look any bigger. I look more fit. More toned. Just because I know that I weight more does not change the fact that I have become more fit. I am still just as athletic and just as strong as I was before I knew I gained weight. This new knowledge of my weight should not change anything. I am no more or no less successful. I am no better or worse of a person. My self worth is tremendous and will not decrease due to a number on the scale.
It's been days since the day I saw my weight. I've come to terms with it. I've accepted it. I am strong as shit. Muscle is heavy as shit. If I need to weigh more to be the athlete and competitor I strive to be. SO BE IT! Being heavier and more muscular makes me no less attractive. If I feel sexy and display sexy people will see me for how I am and that is sexy.
Moral of the story: Your weight is only a number. I'm sure you've heard it before. But coming from someone who obsessed over it and cried over it for years might make it a little more validated. New knowledge doesn't need to change anything. Feel the way you want to be seen and that is how you shall be seen. Most of all. Recovery and life is about unconditional love and respect for yourself and others.
Keep on keeping on and love always. <3
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