Recovered... vs. Recovering.

Hi!

I write this post from the seat of an airplane so I haven’t the faintest idea of who is peaking over my shoulder reading this… But I’m cool with it. Keep reading!

Anyways, I recently posted a status about this being my semi anniversary of doing CrossFit! People seemed to like it so I decided to write a more lengthy post about the matter. Plus, If you know me at all you know that talking about CrossFit is no chore for me. J

So in in June of 2013 the Saturday after I turned 19 I walked into CrossFit Alaska for the first time.  Going in I knew that Crossfit would become important to me but I had no idea that it would change me, change my life, and change my views. The day I walked though those doors I had joined a band of true athletes and true human beings. Some crossfitters don’t appricate crossfit being called a cult. I like it! Why not call it a cult. We may as well be blood brothers. The second you walk into a good crossfit box and make a commitment to yourself you have made a commitment to everyone else in that gym. By you saying, “I want to be faster. I want to be better. I want to feel good. I want to throw my grandkids over my shoulder. I want to get a strict pull up. I want to run a sub 7 min mile.” You are making a commitment to help everyone else in that gym reach their goals. Crossfit isn’t a bunch of meat heads trying to get their heart rate up and their body fat percentage down. It’s a family, a clique, a crowd, a lifestyle, a drill sargent kicking your ass just hard enough to break you. Break you. Change you. Make you better.

Anyways, now that I’ve been crossfitting for about half a year and “recovered” from my ED for about 9 months I know that it’s like to be healthy. I can eat pie for lunch and not feel guilty. I can be told by a nurse that I shouldn’t workout for a few days and not bust into tears. I can eat with friends and not think about whether or not a food is a “good” purge food or not. Good purge foods are foods that come up easy when you purge. Something that takes longer to digest. After all the point of purging is to get rid of the calories before they are metabolized. Anyways. The point is that I don’t have to think about that anymore. All this is due to recovery. And to Crossfit. You might be wondering why “recovered” is in quotations. It’s because someone with an eating disorder is never recovered. I will always be IN recovery. I will have good days and bad days. I will have strides and set backs. There will be days where I love my body and days where I don’t. But being IN recovery is a whole lot better than not being in recovery.

My life is about progress. All I want to do is better myself. If I’m doing that then all is well.

Merry Christmas Eve everyone J

And remember. Just love. 

Unbroken

So, I’ve been Crossfitting for about 6 months now. This whole time I’ve been loving it. I’ve been getting my ass kicked by coaches and appreciating the hell out of it. I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I’ve given that little bit of extra energy to do better in a workout. I’ve come in to do supplemental strength, mobility, endurance, wods, and everything else. I’ve been working hard because I have serious goals for Crossfit that I am going to reach. Hopefully with this extra work and dedication I can reach these goals faster.

Anyways, you’re a smart kid. You smell what I’m stepping in. I’ve been pushing myself. But I’m NOT the only one who has been doing the pushing. My coaches, my swolemates, my friends, and my family have also been doing the pushing. This Monday was no different. I showed up at crossfit and did some extra work. No biggie. It’s what I do. I like it. Anyways the wod comes around.

Here’s the WOD:

For time and Reps

24-21-18-15-12-9-6-3 Deadlifts at 95/65 lbs.

in between each set you do as many unbroken thrusters as possible.

15 minute cap.

Alright. Fine. No problem. Bring it.

I started the WOD with full intentions of going ham. I mean.. I did show up at crossfit. I was going to push myself. I was going to do those deadlifts and then as many unbroken thrusters as possible. The workout was rough! It always is. If it was anything less than damn uncomfortable I wouldn’t love it like I do. Anyways. Time was ticking. I’m was on track to finish before the 15 minutes. But remember, the goal is to do AS MANY THRUSTERS AS POSSIBLE so I know I’m going to be going as long as I can or until someone tells me to stop. My coach walks by, he sees that as the workout continues my reps of thrusters are decreasing. He tells me “lets get those thrusters back up to 10.” Of course.. It’s only natural for me to think “you’ve got to be shitting me”. So I thought that for a second and then I thought “why not?” If he thinks I can do it then I can. He’s my coach. He sees me work and develop every day. He knows what I can do and he knows that I can get those thrusters back  up to 10.. So I do it. My back is toast. I shout with every really hard press. I spent all weekend lifting and came in to the workout being sore. That means nothing except for the fact that I was fatiguing faster than I was thrusting. I look around, I’m the only one in the gym still working. I have like 2 maybe three minutes left. Ryan walks over and starts to count my reps, give me tips, cheer me on, and tell me not to put that bar down… He says. Get at least 10. I know I’ve got ten. But FUCK! My lower back is no longer a spring chicken. It had already given up on me. But I wasn’t giving up on it. At this point I’m having to rest with the bar in the front rack position between reps. Don’t worry. In this WOD that is still considered unbroken. By this time my legs are shaking. My back is throbbing from exhaustion. I look to Ryan and start to beg, “Please, let me put it down! I cant. I cant!” I’m almost in tears. Maybe I was crying. Maybe I just had to much endorphins pumping through me that I couldn’t shed any tears. I do a couple more reps. And start to beg again. “I cant, I cant.” Shaking my head. Then finally with 13 second until the 15 minute cap I drop the bar and then let myself drop to the floor.

Completely spent I lay there will my chest rising and falling rapidly. That is what crossfit is about. Give every last piece of energy to the wod.

I’ve been exercising for years now. Before crossfit I thought I was working hard.. I was dead wrong. I’ve never physically worked hard like I have in crossfit. This is why I see results with crossfit. I push myself and so does everyone else! Results are earned and not given.

As I lay there assessing whether or not there was anything more I could’ve given my friend/gym mom comes and scoops me into her arms and says “Good job little stud” That’s all I need that and the grin on my coaches face after he realized how much I’m willing to give.

Just love, Just love and Crossfit. 

Cliche but Okay Thanksgiving Post

Happy Thanksgiving! -its a day late because I decided to start the post on thanksgiving and end it the day after.

So I realize that everybody and their brother, sister, mother, and friend are posting about what they are thankful for. Tis the season to be thankful, jolly, and pleasant! Not that we shouldn't be like that every day in every way but this is the season that we make sure we have expressed how thankful and happy we are. There is really nothing wrong with that. Just because someone posts about how great everything is going and how much they appreciate their loved ones around the holidays doesn't mean that they aren't just as appreciative year round. Anyways, I'm going to talk a little bit about what I am thankful for focusing mostly on what has changed since I've began recovery and why is this Thanksgiving different than years past.

The things I'm thankful for are not going in any specific order.

1. I'm thankful for my psych and nutrition counselors who have talked me out of my old self hating ways. Without their help I'm sure It would've taken me a lot longer to be where I'm at today. I don't want to say that they did all the work but without them it would've been near impossible.

2. Snowballing off of #1, I'm thankful for my own mind. I'm thankful that I had the determination, gusto, willpower, courage, audacity, and everything else that it took for me to give up my ED. If you haven't had an ED you might not realize what a security blanket it is. At sometimes it even feels like your ED keeps you safe. I'm glad I had what it takes to take a risk. That leap of faith that I took will forever benefit me because at the end of each day I realize that I've already accomplished something that I believed to be impossible.

3. My friends. Especially my college friends. The ones I see almost everyday for 9 months out of the year. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for everyone of my buds but these friends in particular influence me hardcore. I can be so honest with these people. They know every bright and dark thought that passes through my head. I don't need to filter myself when I'm around them. In fact, they think it's weird if I'm filtering in the slightest. I tell them when I'm love sick. home sick, plain sick, sick and tired of something, or even sick of something I love. They support me. They care about me. Not a day goes by when I don't feel welcome. My roommate katy especially makes my head spin. Everyday I wonder how someone got to be as spectacular as her. She is the most accepting soul I've met. She makes me feel unconditionally loved (we all know how important that is). She tells me everyday how proud of me she is. I couldn't ask for a better person to hang out with everyday. Just love.

4. I'm thankful for the people who smile at me as I walk by. You know, the cheerful people. The ones who appear to be carefree even though we know that's impossible. I'm thankful for the ones who are outgoing enough to put themselves out there even if it is only a smile, wave, or head nod as I walk by. Every time I pass a wonderful person like this I'm thankful because I know their smiles are contagious and the happiness will spread like wildfire. To all you smilers out there, just know that you matter.

5. My family who is helping me go to CSU. Without CSU I don't think I would've gotten the recovery jumpstart that I needed. My family helps me both financially and emotionally. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that their is small army rooting for me at all times. It't not the money that I'm focusing on with this thank you. It's the belief in me that they all posses. It's the acceptance that I will do what I want to do and the only two options you have is to accept it or walk. I appreciate everything about your thought processes, encouragement, and sometimes criticism.

6. We all knew it was coming.. CROSSFIT! Crossfit shows me every single day that to perform and I mean truly perform you need to fuel your body correctly. You need to eat what your body craves and not so much what your mind craves. If I don't refuel after a workout I know I wont be performing at my best the next day or even the next workout. I've learned that fuel, rest, and recuperation are huge components of fitness. Without Crossfit shredding my muscles It probably would've taken me a lot longer to figure that out.

7. The Crossfit Community. SO. MUCH. LOVE. I've now been a member of 2 different boxes. Both boxes have excellent communities anchored to them. The people are so helpful and encouraging. It's the only sport I've been a part of where the coaches care more about you than they do your performance. The members of theses boxes have invited me over for meals, driven me to competitions and to classes, and invited me to be a part of their special training programs. A huge number of people i've met through crossfit have taken me under their wing in some form or another. I love you guys and am so glad I found my fitness family.

8. Im grateful that this year I've learned to have an open mind. People have taught me that just because you thought something at one point doesn't mean that stays true forever. I've learned that our personalities, values, traits, sexuality, and everything else is changing constantly. I've learned that if someone doesn't accept you for who you are they have no business being a part of your life. I've become more true and accepting of myself. I've learned not to dismiss something just because its out of the ordinary. I've learned that abnormal is fairly normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

9. In case you weren't catching the hints I was throwing your way in #8, I'm thankful that I'm openminded enough to be gay. I'm glad I don't have to limit myself to just boys or just girls just men or just women. I'm glad I met a girl so cool that it didn't matter that she was a girl. It's cool that I can see someone for their inner beauty and not for their genitalia. It's cool that even though I'm half way terrified to post this that I will have the strength to post it anyways.

I'm thankful for so much. Thanks for reading. Hopefully you're thankful too!

Have a wonderful day.

A Change In Perspective

So we idolize those who have accomplished a great deal. People become famous by others hearing their name. People get attention for doing astonishing things.

This past weekend I saw my first crossfit competition. This competition just happened to be the largest in Colorado. This means that the majority of competitors are zoned to compete in the South West region while trying to qualify for the Reebok Crossfit Games.

It was crazy to see women from my gym that I view as complete badass athletes get smoked by other competitors in some workouts and then see that same woman who got smoked almost catch that same competitor in another workout. This is just an example that different people are better at different things when it comes to crossfit. Some athletes love to pull heavy weights and other athletes like to move their body weight. Simple as that.

Anyways, back to the main point of this post. We look up to people for what they've done. I automatically looked up to Natalie Mclain because she competed in the 2013 games. I didnt expect the women from my box that were competing at the pro level to do close to as well at Natalie because they've been to regionals and not quite to the games. This was a misconception. A woman from my Colorado Box placed 5th overall in the pro division. Her name is Nell Campbell. That's only 2 placed behind Natalie Mclain. It just goes to show that even though someone isn't famous in yet doesnt mean they should be overlooked. In crossfit and probably in many other sports athletes can come out of the wood works and do great things.


Great job to all competitors this weekend. If you've been overlooked just do well and make your accomplishments that much more sweet and exciting.

Nell Campbell from Wild Horizons Crossfit

Nell again, Who knows, next year could be her time to shine at the games! 

Fangirl

I am a HUGE crossfit fan girl. I have little scream attacks when games athletes favorite my tweets, like something a posted about them on Facebook, or basically anything that involves them acknowledging my existence. I just think they are so cool! They get to do what they love and be close to the best at it. Some of them even get paid to rep different products from T-shirts to nutrition supplements. The day someone asks if they need to pay me to wear a T-shirt will be a day my jaw drops.

I have absolutely no shame about being a fangirl. I admire these men and women and I'd like them to know that people like me are profoundly affected by them. My friend, Natalie Hanson (the strongest woman in alaska) says that I shouldn't put them to high on a pedistal because in reality they are my peers. They are fellow crossfit athletes. They've just had more experience than I have. She has a good point. They are my peers. But I still admire them more than the average joe walking around. They can do incredible things. This weekend I met Natalie Mclain. I recognized her the second I saw her. I was a little starstruck.. Before I even saw her compete I had devised a plan to ask her to take a picture with me. This 5'1" 120 lb powerhouse was killing it. She was pulling sleds loaded with more than her body weight faster than women with 40 lbs more muscle. She was jerking a log over her head that equaled her body weight 3,4,5 more times than other women competing pro. Why wouldn't I want to meet this woman and ask for a picture?

I'm a fangirl and I probably will be forever. That's fine by me.

Natalie Mclain and I at the turkey challenge 2013 after her first workout. She ended up taking 3rd in the pro women division. I took #1 spectator. 

Do You Have A Six-Pack?

Hi! So today I'd like to talk to you about a question that I get quite a lot. This is usually how the conversation goes give or take a few declarations.

Them: Oh, so you workout right?
Me: Yes
Them: Like, what do you do when you go to the gym?
Me: Well, I don't really go to the gym much anymore. I go to Crossfit instead.
Them: OH CROSSFIT? Thats crazy, I could never do that.
Me: Yeah, it's pretty tough but I have full confidence that you would survive one of their workouts. Give it a try you'll fall in love.
Them: Oh maybe
Me: No really, Crossfit has changed my life.
Them: Yeah? That's really cool... DO YOU HAVE A SIX-PACK?! (with a huge smile on their face)
Me:That's not really the point. My reasons for doing Crossfit and anything else is to be my best.
Them: but DO YOU HAVE A SIX-PACK?
Me: No...



Much of the people in developed countries view health and exercise in the wrong fashion. They are seeing it as a way to get cut and not as a way to be healthy. Having a six-pack is not the epidimy of health, or even fitness for that matter.

I used to exercise to look fit. Now I exercise to BE fit. Fitness is not measured by your body fat percentage, your BMI, or the definition on your tummy. Fitness is measured by progress. If you used to run a 10 minute mile and now you run a 8 minute mile you are probably fitter. If in the past you couldn't do a muscle up and now you can then you have probably gotten fitter, or at least improved on your technique. I'd rather be able to go 50 GHD sit-ups unbroken than have a rippling tummy. You could have a six-pack strictly through genetics. That's great! But for that to be impressive in the athletic word that hard body of yours better be able to move some weight. Definition without strength and efficiency means nothing to me.

So when you hear that I workout and the first thing you ask is whether or not I have a 6-pack you should expect to hear about how fitness is not measured by aesthetics but rather by progression and abilities.

A Survival Story: Academic Insanity

Hello my dearest readers!

So this past week was absolute academic insanity. I had three papers, three quizzes, two exams, and probably other things I've blocked out of my mind because I just cant think about them anymore. All the CRAP I listed above was due in the same week. 

Granted, I should've started writing those 5 page research papers earlier butttt I was just to busy living my life! To busy doing everything I wanted to. Looking back I'm alright with the somewhat stressful week I had because I still got to let out my frustrations at Crossfit. I was alright with the somewhat stressful week I had because I had friends and even family my family in Alaska to support me. I am truly blessed. 

Anyways.. I just wanted to point out how terrible my week would've been if I was still binging and purging like 5 times a day. There would have been NO time for me to accomplish everything I wanted to. For me, the whole binging and purging cycle took on average 45 minutes. That's like 4 hours of my day spent stuffing my face and then gagging over a toilet.. what? you didn't like that image? Well, me either.. That's why I needed to change. Instead of stuffing and gagging I went through my week like a normal person. I wrote until a couldn't anymore and then I took a break whether it be cuddling with a friend, chatting with a friend, wrestling my roommate, checking social media, watching Netflix, taking a walk, going to the gym even if it was just for half an hour, or lifting heavy things at Crossfit. What I didn't do when I was stressed and needed a break was eat. Food is comforting sometimes. But you know what isn't comfortable? having an eating disorder. That's not comfortable in the slightest. Stress induced eating is a few steps maybe even a leap away from disordered eating. Don't say I didn't warn you. 

Welp, that's about all I have for now. Thanks for always being there guys... Just seeing that people are actually reading my blog gives me a tremendous feeling of accomplishment. Just knowing that people care how I'm doing or just want to see what others are going through on the daily makes me grin. 

Although I probably only know about half of the people who read my blog just know that you are appreciated. You make my days even better. 

Love <3

Halloween Costumes

It's Halloween!

When I was a youngster I used to love dressing up for Halloween. I didn't care what I looked like what-so-ever. I had no perception of my body. I saw Halloween for what it was, a chance to dress up and get free candy and the occasional toothbrush. 

Then I hit whatever age and my friends and I were a little old to be trick or treating. So I didn't do anything special for the 31st of October. 

Then high school came around and with high school came parties. More specifically Halloween parties.  Sounds fun right? Not so much for someone who fakes a smile every time she looks in the mirror. I was what 16? 17? I was expected to show some skin... I'm not saying I planned on dressing like a playboy bunny but I couldn't be a "snowboarder" like I had been in 4th, 5th, and 6th grade!

Have you seen Mean Girls? Oh, of course you have! and if you haven't please stop reading this post, watch it, laugh historically, and then come back to read the rest of the post. Anyways, high school Halloween parties are almost exactly like the Halloween party in Mean Girls. I shit you not, girls think its alright to come as some sort of animal with lingerie and some face paint. I was nooooooot about to do that. 

1) my dad might cry

2) I wasn't trying to get hypothermia in alaska in late October

AND 

3) I was not comfortable in my skin once so ever. 

End of the story I decided to be a female peter pan. It worked out. At the time I thought I was obese but looking back I was adorable and glad a best friend made me take pictures with her. 

Tonight. 2-3 years later it's Halloween. Earlier today I wasn't sure If I'd dress up. I'm more comfortable with my body now then I was then by like a bajillion but still I wasn't sure if Id find a costume that I felt comfortable in. I decided not to go out.. But I did put on a costume and strut around the dorms for a bit. I decided that I am way to recovered to be self conscious. I rocked this year's bat man costume. At first I looked in the mirror and immediately say my thick thighs. My first thought was "ummm yeah, nice try bre but no.." and my second thought was "Bre, you're seeing things. You look good! You worked for those thighs! They are built of muscle and preserverance." Thats why I decided that I should treat Halloween like I did as a youngster. I had fun playing dress up. And even though my first thought was whoa... my second thought made up for it. 

Enjoy Holidays for what they are. Time with your friends and family. No one cares what you look like except you. Leave the critiquing to the judges of America's Next Top Model. 

Love yourself. 

attraction goes beyond a size 6

Hiiiiiii :)



So its definently been to long since I have posted I I'm sorry! I've been extremely busy with school, work, crossfit, friends, and keeping in touch with family. That's the only excuse I have but in all honesty there were times when I had time to post but decided against it be cause I was pooooooped!

I'm still doing very well by the way! Still not bingeing or purging. Still exercising but not super excessively. Admittingly maybe a bit more than I should. But I was trying something new. I was trying crossfit 2 a days 6 days a week. Today before I started the WOD I realized that I've been doing to much and I will switch back to one crossfit workout a day! I've been experimenting with my body these past few months trying to decipher the optimal amount of exercise to give it per day. What I've found out thus far is my body cant handle 2 a days everyday and thats A-OKAY!                 Alright back to how I'm doing. I'm loving my body more and more each day. I've come to be comfortable in my own skin and it feels tremendous. If you aren't there right now I suggest you get there! I'm not telling you to diet harder or exercise like a goon. I'm just telling you to appreciate your body for what it is... beautiful. Thats right every body and everybody is beautiful no matter what size they wear. I finally understand what "more to love" means. Just because someone isn't incredibly fit doesn't mean that they are any less attractive. I used to be revolted by obese and some overweight people depending on how they were proportioned. Today I am attracted to people of all shapes and sizes. Sure my eyes still drift towards those hard bodies but the more I look at anyone of any size I see how attractive they are. Maybe you don't look like you want to. Thats fine. I guarantee if someone isn't as shallow and I used to be they will see your allure. Just know that no matter what you are one hot mama.

I guess what I'm saying is you never know who is looking at you. You never know the impact you have on someone's day just for being confident in your own skin, stretch marks or otherwise.

Love Always.

Research and Seeking Help

Hey pretty! 

So I was doing some research on Eating Disorders because I'm going to give a presentation on them in my mentoring class. My thoughts were that I will just use this mandatory presentation to educate the mentors on eating disorders. As I started researching I can't say that I was incredibly surprised by the statistics I found but they were pretty profound. I just wanted to share some of them with you. 

Here goes nothing. 

95% of those with an ED are between the ages of 12 and 26... I was 13 when I started to control my weight in an unhealthy way. 

Over 50% of teenaged girls and 30% of teenaged boys use unhealthy weight control techniques. What does that mean? For example they might skip meals, fast, vomit after eating, take laxatives, or smoke cigarettes to suppress hunger. 

Females ages 15-24 are 12 times more likely to die before the age of 24 than girls without an ED... THATS RIGHT... DEATH

Only 10% of people with EDs receive treatment.. 

Can you believe that stuff? It's absolutely insane.. Especially the last statistic about hardly anyone receiving treatment. I guess I believe it though.. I had an eating disorder for almost 5 years before I had the courage to tell someone. I was ashamed. I didn't want to be a disappointment. I'm sure that's how many people with eating disorders feel.. It's not a glamorous mental illness that everyone and their grandmother wants to have. It's stigmatized. I'm really proud of myself and anyone else who has sought guidance. It's hard but in my eyes it's the absolute best shot you have at recovery. BE BRAVE! Tell a loved on at least. Hopefully they encourage you to seek professional care. Remember, professionals are just that... they are professional! It is their job to help you, to make you feel safe. Trust them. Trust me. Get help. Make a better statistic...

This post was really just supposed to be a few facts about eating disorders and it turned into much more. The point is... Own your problems. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Do something worthwhile. Don't give up on yourself. Believe me I wanted to sometimes. But everyday since my recovery process started I've thanked myself for hanging in there. If I didn't I wouldn't be hear preaching to you. 

You can do more than you already are. You can do whatever you REALLY want to... I know its a cliche, but it's the truth.. 

<3 

Defining Beauty

Pretty much spot on. Please watch and understand why CrossFit has stollen my heart. 

http://youtu.be/CDXxURPagpM

Doing it the wrong/right way. Part 2

Continuation of my last post.


Last time I tried to change my body I did it in the worst way possible. This time around I'm doing it right. I'm changing my diet just a little and doing cross fit along with just a little supplemental work.

My diet is basic outline made for a woman my height, my weight, and my body composition. The goal of this body change is not to lose weight and look bomb in a bikini in front of a bunch of high schoolers. The goal this time is improved strength and endurance. In fact that is what this change in diet is made to do. Not make me gain or lose fat or muscle but to make me a better athlete.It's just a no brainer that by eating a little cleaner and exercising like I have been the past three months will bring about positive changes in my body.

This time around I'm doing it differently. I'm doing it for me and not for my peers. I'm doing it so I can get my first muscle up and every single muscle up after that for the rest of my life. I'm doing it the right way because it is sustainable. I'm not trying to weigh 116 pounds again.. I'm just fine with hanging out at my current weight of 155 pounds. I wouldn't even care if I gained a few pounds as long as it made me better at what I love to do.

During my body building days I could probably deadlift 145 lbs.
2 weeks ago I maxed out at 1 rep of 265 lbs and I bet I could lift even more now.

The point is with my current body and with my current diet I'm the happiest I've ever been. Changing my body this time around I don't plan on changing how I view myself in the slightest.


Love yourself, love your body. Make changes if you want to but never change yourself.

My first rope climb! 2 weeks ago

Just doing some Hand stand push ups.. I can do them without the ab mat too. :)

Doing it the wrong/right way. Part 1

So as I was scrolling through my news feed I saw that a friend of mine posted pictures of our high school body building competition. Of course I viewed the pictures. I still think I looked absolutely great in all of my the body building pictures. But at the time I had a skewed image of myself and actually thought that I was overweight! I know... I was letting ED tell me how I looked.

Looking back at the pictures from my competition I cant help but feel a little sad. I'm proud of what I looked like but the way I got there was very unhealthy. I was under eating, by the end of each day I was at about a 1000-2000 calorie deficit. I was using a calorie counting app that told me every single day that I was not eating enough. I took each notification I got from that app and plastered it to my face in the shape of a smile. I was exercising sometimes three times a day with no rest days. Three days before the competition I started drastically lowering my water intake so that my muscles would "pop" I don't even know if that's possible! Talk about nuts! On top of that I started lowering my food intake even more for the last couple of days because I was terrified that since I wasn't eating much that the food I was eating would get stuck in my stomach and make me look fat. The day of the competition I ate nothing but dry oatmeal and maybe 3 table spoons of trail mix. Every single person with any type of expertise in health and exercise told me that I was doing it all wrong and endangering myself. I was told horror stories of competitors passing out on stage because they were so dehydrated or malnourished. But despite the warnings and the horror stories I did it my way because I just wanted to look good. It didn't matter to me that through this training process I probably lost muscle mass. In fact I might say that every pound I lost trying to be a body builder was probably from water or even muscle.

Muscle takes more energy to keep than fat does so if you aren't eating enough and working out to much your body will start getting rid of your muscle and keep your fat... its the cold hard truth. If you don't believe me, look it up.

I went about body building all kinds of wrong. I should've been eating more and exercising less! I would've looked even better than I did in my pictures.

I remember being so irritable after the competition that when my friends were taking pictures with me I got so fed up and hANGRY that I almost cried and bolted for the first water bottle I saw. Everyone was telling me how great I looked, how well I did, and what a good sport I was but I couldn't even appreciate my fifteen minutes of fame because my body was starving.


CONTINUED IN NEXT POST!

Anxiety

Hey!

So today was my day of rest. I absolutely make myself take a rest day once a week. This morning I was excited about it. I was relieved that the pressure was off. I didn't need to worry about when I would go to the gym. I didn't have to worry about getting there or weather conditions and I didn't have to worry that I was eating enough grub.

But after a few hours of me doing homework and just lounging around in my room I got real board and real antsy. For me my anxiety works just like a switch.. and unlike a lever that increases intensity. One second I'm content with just sitting and the next I absolutely need to get moving. I wouldn't say that I'm anxious about anything else except for my activity level. That absolutely has to do with my ED. When I've worked out already I feel free to be calm, collected, and flexible but when I haven't I'm lost. I don't know who I am without exercising..

So even though it's a rest day I went on a long walk. The walk was really nice. It just gave me a chance to have some alone time, listen to some new music, and pet a few dogs! Just about everything I've read about rest days says that it is acceptable to do light cardio such as walking or biking so I feel like even though I went for my trek I was respecting my body's need for recovery. As an active person and a person who is medicated for ODC (really its for my anxiety around exercise/food) I absolutely need to move about. I can't be sedentary. It eats me up in side and makes my mind race. I can't explain to someone who doesn't have anxiety how it feels to be out of touch with who you think you are. I guess you should just know that it is uncomfortable.

Also, I'm sorry if I get short with you when I start falling apart. The ones who are close to me know how I am. It's no excuse for being bitchy but right now it's how I react.

Bre: Another rest day down. ED: Still making me anxious... is it ED or is it something else? The mystery remains.

As always, thanks for listening.

My dIzzy problem has been solved!

Happy Sunday! 

So, I have great news! I solved my dizziness during workouts problem! I have a lot of friends to thank for their advice and compassion. But mainly I just needed to eat something an hour to thirty minutes before exercising. Especially when lifting heavy. It didn't really matter what I ate before working out but I try to eat something with some fat or some protein in it just so it ties me over. Half a protein bar, an apple with peanut butter, a handful of trailmix, or a peanut and jelly sandwich were all great foods to give me sustained energy. 

So My roommate has heard a lot about this dizziness saga considering I talk A LOT about crossfit and lifting :). Anyways. My roommate made a sandwich after breakfast to smuggle out of the dinning hall for later nourishment. I get back to our dorm after class and see the sandwich on top of the fridge with a note that says. "My Dearest Bre, please eat this sandwich." I did eat the sandwich. I ate it right before going to crossfit. When we saw each other later that evening I asked why she didn't eat her sandwich. She said the cutest thing ever! She said, "Well I knew you wouldn't eat before Crossfit so I made you a sandwich so you wouldn't get dizzy." My god... I'm so thankful to have such a caring and thoughtful friend to room with. Long story short, we make each other sandwiches just about every day now. Just in case we need them. And I will have you know, there hasn't been a single sandwich that has gone uneaten in our place of living. 

Thanks Katy! and Thank you to everyone else who took time out of there days to text me or call me and discuss possible solutions for my dizziness problem. <3

Ed: 0 Bre: better workouts. 

Dizzy for Dayz

Happy Saturday!

I've recently started a new job that requires me to work on Saturday mornings. This means that I cant go to crossfit on Saturdays. With the amount of money I make in one morning of work it is worth it to miss crossfit for one day. Since I am missing Saturday's crossfit workout I've decided to make Saturday's my rest day. Sunday is now another training day for me. Therefore, although I don't have a set day for blogging I can totally foresee Saturday (my Sabbath and day of rest) being the day of the week I am most-likely to blog.

As always, I've been trying to listen to my body. Trying to hear it when it tells me that I'm hungry. Trying to hush it when I want to eat out of bordem (which doesn't happen as often as it did when I was binging and purging.) Trying to honor it when it tells me that it needs more recovery time.

Since I've been in Colorado I have been at a new box (crossfit gym). It's just as challenging as the gym back home. And I really enjoy my time there. But something scary has been happening to me almost every time I pick up a moderately heavy to heavy weight. I get really dizzy as soon as I get the bar up. Sometimes this dizziness will start as soon as I've bent down to grab the weight. It's really strange. At first I kind of thought it was cool because it was a new feeling. Almost a high like feeling. But as soon as it affected the amount of weight I could lift and the confidence I had as I rolled the bar back towards my shins I realized that this dizziness I was experiencing was not cool and actually hindering my progress. It's scary. I've never fell when experiencing this. I've always been in a position where I could drop the bar safely. But what if I wasn't in a safe position. I fear that if I was doing a squat and this dizziness/ light headedness came on that maybe I wouldn't be able to toss the bar away. I could be crushed! Who knows! 

There are so many possibilities for why this is happening. So many variables! It could be due to the heat. It could be due to the altitude. I'm pretty sure Fort Collins is around a mile high. It could be due to dehydration. I've been sweating even more than normal since I've been here. It could be that I'm not eating enough. It could be because I have naturally low blood pressure and I sometimes get dips in my blood pressure as I am lifting. There a just so many reasons why I'm getting dizzy! But one thing is for absolute certain. My body is telling me something.

I want so bad to think that this dizziness is not my fault. I want to think that I am giving my body exactly what it needs every hour of every day. But I must be doing something wrong! It's dishearting because I feel like I'm trying so hard! That's alright though. I shall just adjust and figure out what needs changing.

What I've been hearing often and what has been resonating with me most is... maybe I'm not eating enough. I eat when I'm hungry and food is available. To me that sounds like intuitive eating. I am not restricting or telling my body that it can't have something because its "unhealthy." I'm just eating what I want when I want it. Most of the time I want whole foods but sometimes I crave sugar. I'm fine with that. I have no idea how many calories I consume or burn in a day. I cant think about that stuff. I wont start counting calories again. I wont. I dont want to. I feel like I eat enough because when I'm hungry I eat. But when I told my Coach I was getting dizzy he asked when the last time I ate. I told him that it was about 4 hours ago and he said that was unacceptable and it's no wonder that I wasn't feeling right. I told my dearest Coach/compadre Natalie about this ordeal. I explained it in detail and sent her a rough outline of what I eat almost everyday and what activity I do. She said that her diagnosis was that I wasn't eating enough.

I hate hearing that. I want so bad to be doing health and fitness right! Do you know what it's like to feel so passionate about something and then someone with more knowledge and experience to tell you that you dont quite have it? I dont like hearing that "I need to eat more." I want my body to tell me that I need to eat more by sending me hungry signals! Eating more might be something I always struggle with. But what matters is I'm trying to do whats right for me right?

I'm trying new things like eating before workouts and hopefully it helps.

Thanks for reading. Let me know if you can relate. Let me know If you've been through this. And thank you to everyone I've talked to that have given me advice.

Strong is the new skinny. Right? Damn straight. <3

Shirtless and Proud

Hey! 

Just so you know I've been doing crossfit since june 17th and eating basically what ever my body asks for since march of 2013. Before this I've never had the opportunity to see what "getting in shape" actually looks like. It's impossible to increase your physical performance and even appearance for that matter when you aren't eating and are overtraining. Along the way with crossfit I've seen huge improvement in skills and increased weight I've been able to lift and even increased weight on my body. 

In the past increasing my body weight would've been a near suicidal experience. Today I've never felt so confident. I've never had the audacity to take my shirt of during a workout. Never had the courage to be the only woman in the room lacking a shirt. Today if I'm working hard and don't want a shirt. No questions asked, I'm taking it off and throwing it on the floor with gusto. I'm proud of what I have. My body isn't perfect. And it never will be. It's just the tool that allows me to do everything I want to do in everyday life from doing 30 handstand push ups in a row from hugging a friend. I will wear whatever I want. 

Have you ever taken your shirt off when you can barely breathe? its impossible to suck in or even flex your tummy. It's an invigorating feeling to know that I am surrounded my nonjudgemental people. They are athletes and not the same elementary school kids that used to make me feel inferior. These athletes will tell me at the end of a workout that I worked my ass off. They wont tell me that because I look good or bad during the workout. They will tell me that because they know me and they can see that I'm working hard. I guess what I'm saying is be comfortable with your friends and the people who know you. As you grow up you see that body weight, size, and appearance means less and less. The people I surround myself with don't care what size jeans I wear but are more impressed with the sweat pouring off my body and the amount of blood that my heart is pumping out.  

This is kind of an add on to my last post about wearing what makes you comfortable. I'm just so happy to say that I can add being shirtless to my list of comforting clothing.

Wear what makes you comfortable

As I walk around Colorado State University I see beautiful women everywhere. There are definently women of all different shapes and sizes but some sizes are more prevalent than others. Last year as I walked around campus I was blind to most of the sizes I was seeing. I would see the size 2 women. The size 4 women and the occasional size 6. I wasn't paying any attention to the women of larger sizes. I notice when people are dressed up. When I see small women dresses up I figure that they are dressed that way because they are comfortable with how they look in those clothes. Comfortable is something I still struggle with. If I'm wearing "real people clothes" I'm probably in a vulnerable state. In the past I felt like I was being judged. Like people were looking at me and asking how I had the audacity to wear something tight fitting or moderately short. I was self-conscious. I still am at least a little, maybe slightly more than the average college girl to be honest.

But now as I look around campus and see women big and small. I see women wearing all different types of clothes. I don't know what to think really. I appreciate the fit girls wearing athletic clothes or a T-shirt because it makes me think that maybe they don't mind what they look like so much. I like seeing  curvy, possibly even plus sized women wearing stylish "real people clothes." I makes me see that they are confident in themselves even if their body isn't their favorite attribute. Or maybe their body is their favorite attribute and they don't see the petite girls as the ideal size. I see people of all different sizes wearing all different sizes of clothing and rocking them. 

One day I will be able to put on "real people clothes" and feel as confident as I do in workout attire. However, I don't believe that day is here yet. 

Wear what makes you comfortable. 

Making Up for Lost Time

Hey!

So I've been back at school for a week now! It's official, I love Colorado State this time around just as much as I did the first time. Just now I took a writing break because I started hearing this beautiful music from down the hall it was a kid singing and playing  "Soul Sister." He finished that song with so much charisma and energy that the pack of women listening to him from the hall demanded to hear another. He stared playing another song. Saying that I was in awe would be an understatement. I was enamored. This song was funny and so relatable. I swear this kid is the male Taylor Swift! I might be in love? Well actually I'm sure that I'm not but I am extremely distraught that his songs aren't accessible to the average bear yet...

Sorry I got sidetracked. But I guess that is a great segway for my next point. Post recovery I have realized that it is much more important to get caught in a moment than to do "what you're supposed to be doing." Pre recovery I wouldn't have cared that his boy had a beautiful voice with fingers that could pluck that guitar like a thanksgiving turkey. I would've been binging, maybe doing endless hours of cardio, maybe laying in my bed asleep after purging away the energy that my body so desperately needed. I would've been applying for scholarships, looking for a job, doing homework. I would've been doing something else! Even though some of the things I mentioned before are things that "I should be doing" they wouldn't make me feel the way this music made me feel.

There is something to be said about being productive. It's great! Sometimes we need to be productive. But certainly not for all of our waking hours. Western society tells us to be busy. If we aren't being productive we aren't being upstanding citizens. Western society is wrong. We need mental health breaks. We need to drop what we are doing and seize opportunities. We need to appreciate every moment.

I guess I'm extra passionate about Carpe Diem because I spent 5 plus years doing  what I thought I should be doing. I thought I should be skinny so I restricted. I thought I needed to be perfect so I worked really hard and got perfect grades. I thought that other peoples opinions of me mattered more than my own. I was wrong. I was so wrong. I spent all my time changing who I was. Changing the beautiful baby girl that my parents made.

When I think back on all my wasted minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years I'm bummed. You might be thinking... "You're bummed? Is that all? Shouldn't you feel more than bummed?" If you asked me that I would tell you that bummed is all I feel about my lost time. Don't get me wrong. I would never recommend any of the ED oriented things I did to anyone. But now. Now with all the new love I have for life. I've come to peace with ED. I used to have an ED. It sucked. It really did. But now. I have the privilege of living everyday like I missed out on the past 5 years. Today I look in the mirror and smile because I'm beautiful inside and out. I love myself. I love what I have accomplished.

Maybe today I didn't accomplish much homework. But I listened to beautiful music and loved myself and a number of wonderful people around me.

Live your life like you're making up for lost time. In actuality, I'd rather you get lost in time.

Love and be loved.

This Summer

Oh man! Oh man! Oh man!

This summer was over all fantastic! I feel like I say that after every summer because they all have their memorable moments that make you remember them as fantastic. This summer had some of those awesome, on-top-of-the-world moments for sure. But when I look back on this summer I remember more than the sureal moments that made me post sappy twitter posts or hug acquaintances. When I look back on this summer or even these past 6 months I see so much progress I've made. So much self development. I can't help but be proud of myself.

Lets start with the foundation I laid in Colorado before I even when home. I talked with my psychologist and nutritionist about the fears I had about being home with all the same triggers that had set me off into a spiral of self-discomfort in the past. I told them I didn't know how I would spend the time that I used to be binging and purging. That's a lot of new time to have on my hands. I don't have a ton of non active hobbies. This is what I enjoy: Crossfit, exercise, friends, family, being outside, hiking, biking, boating, walking my dogs, basically anything active and exciting! But I can't spend all my time moving. My recovery team wanted me to spend time on myself in a restful state. So I didn't know How I would spend my time. I ended up opening pandora's box of time and finding that I didn't really have to "plan" my time so much. I just kind of went where the wind took me. Cliche but whatever. I just worked out if I could, if I had the time, and the energy. I went outside if It was beautiful and I couldn't feel whole under a roof. I spent time with the ones I loved. In all honesty. I did whatever I wanted and my summer turned out perfectly.

I came home to Alaska from Colorado nervous that my friends would notice that I've gotten bigger. Normally I'd say gained weight but recently I've discovered that weight (the force of an object due to gravity) has almost no correlation to volume (the amount of space you take up.) Yeahhhhhh, think about it. I'm leaving Alaska to go back to school now without a care in the world. I know my friends wont judge me based on my size or anything else. My friends know my story and know how hard I've worked to become who I am. My friends love me no matter what I look like. I do Crossfit and I workout for me. Not to impress anyone. Not so I look better in a bikini. Not to fit into the jeans I wore in high school. I workout because it makes me feel invincible. If you've seen me after a workout you know that to be true.

This time last year I was so nervous to be eating in a buffet for three meals a day. I was so scared to have a plethora of deserts available at every meal. This year as I return to dorm food I'm pumped! There are so many opportunities to eat healthy and take advantage of all the fresh food. If I want some of the soft serve (I'm sure I will) I'm going to eat it. But this time around it's sensibly. I've come to discover that sugary foods don't sit well with me. I don't perform like the Mazaradi I am. When I eat sugary foods I perform more like a mini van. Slow and Steady. I'd rather be quick and full of energy so I'm going to eat the foods that make me feel that way. You should fill your tank with premium and not low grade fuel. You want to be a Mazaradi!

All in all, I am confident in the person I have morphed into. This summer I did a lot for me and learned a lot about myself and others. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

This might have been the best summer yet.

Much Love,

Bre: Constantly Chipper
Ed: Getting Chipped Away.