Pivotal Moment. Turning Point. Whatever You Wanna Call It.

Good morning sunshine, the earth says hello!

So I've had a couple requests to elaborate more on my pivotal moment. The moment when I decided to change my life. The ah ha moment. Catharsis. My most important epiphany. For me this occurred over seas. I was on my very first college spring break vacation. I was in Costa Rica with one of my best friends and her family. My friend Sarah is incredibly fit, her brother is in shape without even trying, and her mom really likes to document their excursions with photos.. 

Pictures aren't my favorite thing when I'm feeling fat (remember fat is not a feeling. I'm thinking that I was thinking that I was fat). More importantly, Sarah's mom was taking pictures of us. Lots of "candid" shots where we weren't posing. Lots of bikini posing pictures. I didn't like this at first. But I couldn't ask her not to document our vacation. This vacation was as much hers as it was mine and if taking pictures makes it more enjoyable for her then that is what she should do. So she would take pictures. I would look at the pictures and never be satisfied with my body. 

While laying on the hammock on the first day of our trip I thought about these unflattering pictures. Finally I got to the point where I realized that worrying about these pictures should not be what I'm thinking about on this once in a life time vacation. I was surrounded my beautiful scenery, beautiful animals, and beautiful native people. I decided that I would focus on the amazing trip instead of my insecurities. I would wear bikinis and tank tops and shorts and appreciate the weather. I would pose in pictures and choose not to check them out after they were taken. After all it's not like I was going to delete them. I chose to just forget about my body and my insecurities and enjoy the trip. While I did this I had fun! I worked out once a day with Sarah because I wanted to not because I had to. Our diet consisted of cereal, sandwiches, fruit, and the native cuisine. This wasn't what I usually ate. Usually I ate a ton of vegetables along with an array of foods.

It was safe to say that I was out of my comfort zone. But surprisingly I was alright with it. I liked not being on a strict schedule with school and whatever else. I liked being hit on my the local boys even though I doubted their taste. Soon enough I figured out that this is my body. This is what my body will look like for the entire trip. I can complain about it and feel like a failure or I can have a blast. I chose to have a blast.

I got back to Colorado after by excursion and was so pumped about my binge/purge free vacation that I stayed clean. I went to the grocery store and bought mostly healthy food and some other items I knew I would crave. I ate these foods in a sensible amount and didn't have the urge to purge. YES! Then I was presented with the opportunity to spend the next five days in Moab, Utah with a bunch of my friends and some of their friends. It was great! I didn't really have an option to choose my own food. All the food was purchased already and it was not what I would've chosen. But with my new attitude towards food and living in the moment I was okay with the lack of control.

The trip was awesome. We got down and dirty, climbed rocks, hiked, mobbed in the four runners, and hung by the fire. I was as active as I wanted to be. If I wanted a workout I'd scale some huge boulder and throw some rocks. There was no opportunity to go to a gym and I survived. That was the first time I'd gone that long without exercise since I was 13.

These trips taught me that living is more important than being thin. I learned that your body will be fine if you don't workout everyday. Your body still functions when it's being fed no vegetables. Memories last a life time and so does recovery.

Since these trips I have stayed strong. I have not binged or purged. I've had thoughts of falling off the wagon but my friends, family, and love for my new life keep me going.

Bre: recovering more everyday ED: disdain for a couple Costa Rica pictures.

PS even "bad" pictures represent a memory. Don't delete them. 

It Didn't Always Come So Naturally.

Hello, How was your day?
I'm well aware that my greetings have become a bit redundant and I'm really sorry! I need to work on my vocabulary a bit. On a more serious note, there is a reason why I'm beginning this post by asking how you are. I want you to reflect. Think. Take a minute and check in. How are you? Not what did you do today, but how are YOU? Are you satisfied with how you felt today? how you spent your day? how certain aspects of your day impacted you? There is a bajillion different ways to ask yourself how you are and how you are feeling. Pick a few of them and explore.

It's really important to check in with number one and ask yourself how you are feeling. Now matter how bad you want to please everyone else the most important person to you will ultimately always be you (even if you don't want it to be you). The truth is that once you are truly content you will find it easy to help others. Making people smile will come naturally to you. People can sense someone who is happy with themselves. People love that shiz. People crave that shiz.

Many times within this summer my friends and coworkers have commented on how natural it is for me to make people happy. Lately just the way I interact with people has been affecting them. The way I flirt a little and make people feel special actually does make people feel good. To be honest that's really a huge part of what I'd like to do for the people around me. To be honest since March it has been easy for me to make people feel special. But my flirtatious and confident nature hasn't always stood out as much. It's only since I've been in recovery and truly loving and accepting myself that I have been able to love and accept others. Before recovery I was more stand off ish. I distanced myself from others. I distanced myself from them even if we were friends. I didn't let them know the real me for fear of them noticing how fake I was. I was fake because I wasn't happy like I made myself seem. What a shame.

Today I am so ecstatic with how my life is. How my body is changing through crossfit. How the kids at work look up to me. How people now find me attractive. How people find me attractive for my mind and body (now that's hot).  How my friends love me the same as ever because they knew the real me when I didn't. Because I am so content with life, my body, and myself the real Bre is able to shine through. The real Bre that wants to see others light up the way recovery made Bre light up. Being happy makes other people happy (most of the time). Interactions are real now. Interactions are meaningful. I can let myself get attached to people. I feel myself getting stronger physically and mentally each day.

In synopsis, love yourself first then love your neighbor. You can only be real with others once you've learned to be real with yourself. Let yourself get attached and feel something. Emotions make it easier to relate to others. Make an effort to impact someones day for the better.

If you haven't made someone feel special and appreciated today you haven't felt special and appreciate yourself yet.

Let's change that.. Hey! You are Athena's angle of virtue. I dig that.

Bre: Changing peoples day for the better ED: I had trouble letting myself snack today.

More Emotional Than Usual.

Hello there beautiful!
Believe it or not today was a solid day. Usually here I would tell you about what I did today which would include work, working out, and a social life. Today I'm not going to do that. Because what I did today doesn't really matter. If I told you what I did today you wouldn't get much from it except for maybe 3 seconds of entertainment while you read about it. That 3 seconds of entertainment is not the goal for this post. This post was hand crafted to get more into the emotional aspect of my life, of my day really, but didn't it sound more intense when I said the emotional aspect of my life?

So today one of the first emotions that went through my head was pride. I was proud that I got up and got my butt to crossfit. Don't get me wrong, the love I have for crossfit and other intense workouts is extreme but the hardest part of each workout is getting to the actual workout. Feeling the suspense because you want to crush that interval harder than you did the day before. Feeling the butterflies in your tummy as the trainer counts down from 3-2-1-GO! The incredible feeling of not being able to feel your emotions and only feeling your body work. The immense feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction from completing a workout and leaving every drop of your heart on the mat in the shape of a sweat pool. Thats an hour of emotion that I truly live for. An hour of emotion that I rely on.

The next big emotions I felt today was at work. It was serenity. Maybe I was feeling nurture and safety. It happened when I asked my boss Aimee if the vicious rumors I'd heard about her were true. In fact they were. She was going to be leave our place of work for a big girl job, a career. It was bitter sweet. I really like Aimee, she makes me feel like 1 million bucks every time I talk to her. I'm not sure if it's only me that she makes feel that way or if it's just the way she is. But to me it doesn't matter. Aimee will be missed. Anyways, after she told me about her less that distant departure time she hugged me. I haven't yet mentioned the setting of this moment because its not the most impressive location. We were in the bathroom. She was hugging me as I washed my hands. I obnoxiously fake cried because it seemed like the right thing to do. Then I dried my hands and gave her a real hug. A hug that said "Hey! These past few months of summer with you have been a blast. I'm really going to miss you." I hope she heard what I was saying even though I wasn't quite ready to say it. Anyways! The emotions I was feeling was maybe love. I feel like I've been tossing that word around a lot lately. But maybe I mean it! At least I think I do. In that moment of our unofficial good luck and goodbye. I loved her. Basically I loved her personality and her demeanor, But that counts right?

If you can't tell I have this thing where I believe that when people leave I'm not going to see them again. I'm sure I will see Aimee again. She's to cool not to.

Long story short. Try to get in tune with your emotions rather than you actions.

Anyways that was my emotional post for the hour. I think I'm going to write another one and not post it for awhile. Not all of my life needs to be published to the web.

Bre: Emotions good and bad. ED: Still struggling with complete honesty.

Protein Shakes for the Athlete's Soul

Oh my god! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! I just hit over 1000 views! Maybe to you that doesn't sound like much but for me it's a milestone! That means that over 1000 times I got to be part of someone's day and impact them for the better! Now you can see why I'm so excited and excessively using exclamation points!!!! (okay, I will tone it down a bit) But for real though, Thank you to anyone who does read my writing. It means a lot to me that people care about what I have to say and people care about the message I am sending out. 

Today's post is about food and athletics. "Food," such a simple term now that used to send chills down my back, a term that used to make me feel defeated, a term that I gave to much credit to. Today food is something I eat to live. I eat so that I have energy to be the woman I want to be. If I'm over thinking food today It's because I'm trying to eat after a workout so my body can repair itself. I eat so I can workout because no matter how much I change I will always love the feeling an awesome workout gives me. Everyone likes to do the things they are good at. And for not being a professional athlete I'm damn good at exercising.

The athlete I am today is very different than the athlete I was in high school. In high school I would workout to lose weight, be skinner, and be more desirable. I didn't love the sports I was doing. In fact, I would complain and wish that practices were harder. I didn't want harder practices to be better at my sport. I wanted harder practices to burn more calories. Never once did I stop to appreciate a "fun" practice where it was less focused on fitness and more focused on distressing. Sometimes I would cry when I got home from practice because I just wasted 2 hours playing while I should've been working out. You know what that means? That means instead of an extra hour in the gym I was going to need another hour or so stacked onto that. Even with all that exercise I wasn't a supreme athlete. I was never the best at any sport I did. I was always "good" sometimes even on varsity. But with all that over training and under nutrition I was never going to be "great." 

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I've always wanted to be great at something. I like to shock and awe people and if I could do that with something athletic I would be one happy camper. 

Today I'm still not a "great" athlete. I'm still a "good" athlete. But what is most important is that I am becoming a better and healthier athlete. Today I get compliments from coaches saying things like "Wow Bre, You've got great fitness and drive!" That just astounds me because a few months ago I wouldn't have gotten that recognition. I would've gone unnoticed with the deep dark circles under my eyes and the fake smile plastered across my face. I would've been a player. But today I am a contender. 

I've recently started Crossfit. I've fallen in love. My infatuation with crossfit has been ongoing for years but finally with my nutrition and fitness in order I could start training. With crossfit my main goal is not to get skinny. My main goal is to be "great." I could go places with crossfit and if I keep working at it and respecting my body I will get there. Food is still a big part of my life. But only because it's necessary to life and not because it's necessary to make me feel good. Crossfit, friends, and family do that for me. 

Bre: A new love ED: 0

And a Crossfit Animal Was Born

C

C

Sup Brosiah,


So last Saturday I went to Crossfit Revolution Sports of Anchorage Alaska and loved it! I've done crossfit before but never in the actual crossfit gym. There is a huge difference between doing crossfit and being a part of the crossfit cult! Doing crossfit is fun. You get to compete with your friends and look like a boss dying in the gym where everyone else has barely brought their heart rates past 130 bpm. People stare and possibly judge you. For me I don't love doing crossfit at the regular gym because you just look out of place. You're going TO hard. Is their such a thing as TO hard? There is but not while you're doing just one crossfit Workout Of the Day (WOD). I don't think you should be judged for any workout you are doing in a gym that you pay to enter. But not everyone shares my views. That is why there is this special place called, get ready, a crossfit gym where all of the true endorphin junkies go to get their fix.

Today I love crossfit. Tomorrow I will love crossfit. But forever I'm sure to love fitness.
At the gym everyone is going hard and if you're not looking incredibly taxed during your workout you're doing it wrong. I wouldn't recommend crossfit to anyone with a heart problem. That shiz is intense! In the past I wanted to join crossfit to get completely jacked. I wanted to be as shredded as possible. My goals now are much different. I want to improve daily. I want to be the best me I can be. I want to set an example for the kids I work with daily. I want to show them that living a fit and healthy lifestyle is a key component for a happy and active lifestyle. I want to show them that dedication is something that can be learned in many different places. It can be learned on a team, in a gym, at school, at come, or even at work. If I should end up getting jacked from crossfit. That's wonderful... But it's just not my primary concern. My primary concern is happiness.

Bre: A new calling ED: voiceless

Depression Causes Death

WARNING: Not as upbeat and happy as I like to write. 

So eating disorders and depression are directly correlated. Anorexic people are 50 times more likely to die from suicide. Depression leads to eating disorders. In my opinion this is because people are so depressed and feeling like they can't change anything in their life that they attempt to control something. They attempt to control their weight. Even if they can't control a single thing they can usually what goes in and out of their mouth. If they don't eat enough food they will lose weight. FACT. Non debatable. Eating disorders lead to depression. This is because having an eating disorder is really tough on your body mentally, physically, and surely emotionally. After awhile you start getting discouraged. You think that you can't even be good at having an eating disorder.. What kind of twisted distortion is that? You're sad because you can't starve your body enough? It sounds crazy but it's real. I used to live or die by how little I ate, how "good" I ate, and how many calories I think I burned from working out that day. If I think I did bad at being bulimic that day I would become mad and disappointed because all I thought I needed to be happy was a 25 inch waist. 

In the later stages of bulimia I accepted that I was a lost cause. I thought that because I've tried recovering and relapsed that I should just go with it. I will just binge and purge. Watch my performace take a turn for the worst and then hate myself. I lost all hope. Because I wasn't successful with recovery and successful in all aspects of life (I was a perfectionist) I was a failure. 

There were times when I thought that death would be a relief to me. I didn't care about physically living. In my mind, I was okay with dying. Sometimes I wished that an accident would happen to me that would kill me so people wouldn't think I'd killed myself. When I thought about death I never truly considered killing myself. I just kinda wished that it would happen to me. I couldn't end my own life because there was to many people that cared to much about me. Killing myself wouldn't be fair to my parents, friends, and other family. That would be selfish. And I just wouldn't and couldn't do it.

I look back on all the times I cried. I used to cry by myself after a day of acting like I didn't mind being made fun of. I used to cry when I looked in the mirror and didn't see myself getting skinnier. I used to cry when a boy didn't like me. I thought that it was because I wasn't skinny enough. There for I wasn't good enough. In reality, I was to wrapped up in my own concerns about my weight to notice the little things. I was to wrapped up in my insecurities to see the guys that actually saw something in me. I only really cried if it had something to do with my body. If something bad happened to me I would relate it back to my weight. What I was doing was wrong. All this crying happened when I was below the age of 14. Once I hit 14 or so I stopped crying and started hiding my emotions with binges. Didn't want to workout? Instead of taking a nap or day off I'd binge and take a little more out of my body. Have to much time between things to do? I'll just binge to eat the time away. Fight with a friend? Eating should solve that too. WRONG. Eating to cover my feelings solved nothing for me. It just made me feel hopeless.




Wow... That was depressing... I'm really sorry about that. I would say it wont happen again but I probably will talk about somethings that are just as depressing. The reality is that having an eating disorder is a sad sad life. BUT..

When you start recovering, you start to see the little or even the big things that have been going unnoticed. It's almost as if you have been living your life with a mosquito net over your face. You just aren't seeing clearly. But when you start to recover and start to accept yourself for who and what you are. When you start to love you for you. And tolerate your body enough to give it time to change in a healthy way you start to remove your mosquito vale and see life and the world around you through the same rose colored glasses as the hippies of Colorado do. You notice that the feeling of the earth under your bare feet feels like a mini pedicure. You start to notice why you feel in love with your friends in the first place. You start seeing the people who love you. You want to do good and pay it forward because you are so happy that you want everyone to feel the way you do. You start to FEEL your emotions. You cry instead of binge. You contemplate instead of purge. I can't tell you how grateful I am for every relapse free day. Everyone of those days gives me a reminder for why I'd never go back to the hell hole that is bulimia. These relapse free days are what I live for and why I didn't try to die.

This spring break in Moab, Utah I'd look over the side of cliffs and I'd think about what I might've done a few years back. I might have jumped. I might've made it look like an accident. Looking over the cliffs during spring break of 2013 I had no thoughts of dying. I was careful while hopping from rock to rock. I didn't want to fall. I loved the life I was living and the joy I was getting from recovery and making people proud. Recovery saved my life.


I hope it can save yours too.

Bre: Joyful Living ED: Memories of Despair.

To Snack or Not To Snack.. That is the Question

Good morning lovelies! 

So to snack or not to snack has always been something I've struggled with. With an eating disorder when I thought about snacking what I was really asking myself "Will I starve/restrict?" or "Will I binge and later purge?" In the beginning of my eating disorder I'd almost always choose to restrict. To just wait the three, four, five, or six hours until my allotted meal. The meal that I usually purged anyways. Although scientifically I knew that my body wouldn't gain weight from eating one healthy meal a day. I still would purge most of it just to be sure. I don't do anything half ass. If I'm passionate about something, and I was with my ED when I'm going balls to the walls. Eating close to nothing. 

In the later stages of my ED I just couldn't possibly maintain the anorexia anymore. I knew that as an athlete I needed to eat something... So I just tried to eat as much as a 60 year old post menopausal woman would eat. This will be a shocker to you.. brace yourself... are you bracing? I was still hungry. WHAT you mean someone who did at least one high school sport a day and killed it in the gym everyday wasn't thriving of of xxxx calories a day?! 

I was still hungry, and I wanted to snack. These urges usually came right after school and then around 9:30 at night when I got home from my round 2 workout. At first I would fight them but eventually I decided to eat something. At first I'd try eating a piece of fruit and then waiting about 10 seconds until I decided that that would simply not do. Then I would go HAM on whatever was available. Full blown binge and purge. Then I'd be disappointed in myself. In the end stages of bulimia I binge and purge without even being hungry. I'd binge and purge that I wouldn't feel things. 

Today when I think about snacking it's much different than before. If it's earlier in the day like before the evening I will usually snack because I know that I'm still going to be active. So I will be burning it off eventually. If I'm hungry before a meal sometimes I wait for the meal. And then other times I just snack anyway because I know that I will simply eat less during the meal. It all equals out. Your body knows how much energy you need. If I get hungry right before bed I still try to fight it. I will lay in bed wishing that the hunger would just go away so I wouldn't have to eat right before bed. The hunger never does go away until I eat like half a granola bar or something. But when I do eat that granola bar my body is happy and it allows me to sleep and get ready for the next day. 

Snacking is necessary sometimes. Snacking is not going to make you gain weight if you are indeed eating intuitively. I am an athlete. I need grub! Life is better with feeling occasional hunger and feeling the satisfaction of erasing that hunger with a healthy meal. 

Bre: Energy, Health, and Snacks. ED: Minor Irrelevant Thoughts.

I Might Just Kiss You

Woahhhh there, is that a mouse in your hand or are you just happy to see me?

Good morning, day, evening, whatever time of the day it is as you read this. Here on this blog I am inclusive of all times of the day. You're welcome!

So today was stupendous as usual! I woke up ate some frosted mini wheats, drank a cup of coffee, jammed out in the car on the way to work (probably to where is the love by the blackeyed peas, its been my jam lately.) I got to work, had a blast with the kids kayaking on the lake, got super dark (yeah you're jealous), went to meet with my behavioral health specialist, the beautiful and by the book, Rebecca, went to dinner with my lovely mother, hit the gym like a champ, got home, cleaned up myself and the house while spending time with my parents, and now I'm blogging to my favorite viewers!

Anyway! At my appointment Rebecca confirmed that I'm doing extremely well! Duhhhh Rebecca, I'm like a recovery prodigy... But at the end of the appointment things started to get more interesting. I told her that I like to push my limits with people. I like to hug people to see if they can handle the body to body contact. To see if they will tolerate or maybe even enjoy my forwardness. Lets be real, if I could I'd hug everyone that I like to spend time with and if they can embrace (no pun intended) that then all the better! If they can handle the hug sometimes I move even more forward. I might make inappropriate jokes to them. Nothing super distasteful but always hilarious jokes! I want to know if we have the same personality and appreciation for living in the moment and letting a laugh take you down a few notches. If we're really close I might surprise you with a sneak attack kiss on the cheek! Is that weird? Nahh, you liked it... Stop blushing! This doesn't mean much except that I like you! I'd like to spend more time with you in the future. Congratulations, you've got me hooked!


Rebecca said that is was simply me testing the waters. I'm testing to see if we can be friends! She told me that my actions sound a bit aggressive.. I was like "Uh, What?" and she was all "Well, more forward and confident." I was pretty pumped to hear that. Its not that I don't know that I display truck loads of confidence. I'm well aware. I also truly believe all that I say. But I spent a lot of my life only displaying confidence but not feeling it.

Today when I look in the mirror I like the person I see. I love how happy I am, I love that I make people laugh, I love that I've been blessed, I love that I will make a difference, I love that I'm open to new things, I love a lot of things about myself. But what I was most surprised about while looking in the mirror today while squatting. I'm starting to like my legs...

Wait so if you live a healthy lifestyle rather than starving yourself you might see results that you like... That's insane!

Ed: widdling away everyday Bre: Happy with herself and everything else.

Wait, That's Your Diet?

Hey good looking.

So, people tend to talk to me about their diets. I'm not sure why maybe it's just because they know that I am knowledgeable on the subject. I don't mind talking about it with them. It doesn't make me want to binge or purge or anything. It does make me concerned about their well being and their sanity. I know I'm just projecting emotions onto them because when I started focusing to hard on my diet and exercise I developed an eating disorder. Just because they start to diet doesn't mean that they will slip down the slope that it disordered eating. I try to distance myself from the diet talks. I just kind of state insignificant facts and skirt around the conversation.

I believe in Intuitive Eating. You eat when you're hungry. You don't just eat when you're bored. You eat what you crave and you wont go balls out every time you eat a forbidden food. For example, some people say "I don't eat ice cream because it's bad for me." If you were intuitively eating you wouldn't forbid a food. If you wanted it you would eat it. Then you wouldn't crave it so much. You also wouldn't say that a food is "bad" for you. No food is BAD. All foods have positive and negative qualities based on your goals.

There is tons of theories to Intuitive Eating and I highly recommend you read the book. Its great for if you're in recovery or just want to eat, be happy, and healthy.

To sum it up, You can talk to be about your diets. I might ask you if you have an eating disorder. I will call you out if I see some red flags. I will do my best nip any eating disorders in the butt. If you do decide to tell me about your diet. I will only help you be a healthier you. That could mean losing weight, gaining weight, or even maintaining your weight.

<3

Daily Differences

Hola! (I'm running out of ways to greet you in English...)

So this post is called "Daily Differences" you probably noticed that already when you read the title... However (usually I'd say "anyways" but today I learned that using anyways to mean however is wrong. Apparently I should be using the word "anyway." But that's besides the point.) However, I can fore see this Daily Differences Post using more than once seeing as I notice differences in my daily living from before and after ED everyday. Just a heads up there could be multiple posts named "Daily Differences" partly because words are hard and I don't want to make a million different titles but also because I dig the alliteration. 

So today I was working out. Not really out of the ordinary. I had already worked all day which for me requires lots of energy (CALORIES). I ate my usual amount of food which I'm still trying to workout the kinks on it. Meaning I'm still not one hundred percent sure that I know exactly what my body needs to be happy yet. But for real doe, the important part is that I'm trying to find that perfect balance between calorie intake and calorie expenditure rather than an expenditure that is much higher than my intake. Actually I will do you a huge solid and tell you a secret... if you take in a lot less calories than you expend you wont simply lose weight super fast and efficiently. Your metabolism will in fact slow down making it more difficult to lose weight. Your body needs nourishment, rest, and exercise to thrive. You probably already know this. And I've known it forever as well. But riddle me this, do you actually believe it and implement it in your everyday life. You should. Otherwise your body will rebel and not function at its full capacity. 

Moreover, I went to work and ran around all day like a 9 year old boy. Ate an apple. Went to the coffee shop got an iced americano and hit the gym. I wasn't hungry when I got there. I did some strength with a friend and then started my cardio workout. After about 20 minutes I was STARVING (okay, I'm exaggerating. I wasn't STARVING, but I was pretty much out of fuel. And my body was letting me know.) I finished my stair climbing workout and then moved on to treadmill. I ran for like 4 minutes and my hip flexor started to hurt (old injury) so I  got off.. NOTICE how I just respected my body.. Sick huh? I tried the elliptical, Did it for like 5 minutes and realized that my mind wasn't on the gym it was on my hunger pangs. I left the gym, drove home and ate a sensible meal with all the food groups. Look how normal I am! 

In the past I would've went through work trying to exercise like a mad woman. I wouldn't have let myself digest much throughout the day because I'd be working to try to purge everything. I would've went to the gym by myself instead of going with a friend. I would've done an excessive amount of cardio regardless of my obvious lack of energy. Sometimes I would close my eyes while ellipticalling because I was so exhausted. I would've done an hour long strength class and tried to lift the most. Then I'd drive home, make sure I was alone and binge on a ton of food. Then I might even go back to the gym. Then I'd repeat that sequence 7 days a week. 

That life sounds like hell. I wasn't personable, kind, fun, or anything. I was a zombie. So that's my daily difference. Workouts feel much better when you have proper fuel and rest. 

Bre: Learning to balance. Ed: Nada

Friend Love and Girl Crushes

Love.

It's a powerful word and emotion to say the least. But I've been feeling it a lot lately. For me the feeling a can physically feel it. It feels like my chest, probably my heart, is reaching for another person. I almost feel as if I have to lean forward to get closer to them. Thru recovery I've become a touchy person. I want to be close to people. I think it's because I have so much more love. I have more energy and less preoccupation with myself so I'm able to notice how strongly I feel for others. I get this "love" feeling more often than I think is normal.

I feel it when I'm talking to a stranger and we are making great conversation. It's as if I hear the banter going back and forth and I'm so impressed with the way we mesh that I feel it, Love.
I feel it when I see the people I love most. Mostly Chelsea, the closest of my family, a few coworkers, and even people I idolize. I'm just going to use Chelsea as an example. We've been the best of friends for like 6 years now. This girl has been there for me just as much as my family has. She is my family. When I'm around her I want to hug her and not let her go. I'm just not sure of any other way to express how grateful I am to have her in my life. For me, each hug is a reminder that I wont ever let anything get in the way of our friendship like I used to let my eating disorder get in the way. Each hug is an apology for the past and a promise for the future.

Okay, this might sound off topic but believe me it's not. I'd like to discuss my thoughts on girl crushes. I've had a lot of girl crushes. I've wondered if maybe I'm gay because I have so many. But then I start crushing on a super cool dude and I know that I'm into the men folk. Anyways, we've established that I've had a few girl crushes. I've done a lot of pondering on  this topic. I start crushing on them because I like what they represent. I put them on this pedestal as a virtuous creature that can't do wrong. I'm just going to list off a few of my girl crushes just so If they were to see their name on here they'd know that they've had an impact on me. Also If I was some one's girl crush and I saw my name in their blog it would defs make my day like 74659283745387 times better. Any who, GO!

First their was Jillian Michaels- I think I was impressed with how she could train the contestants on the biggest loser. When I discovered her I was pretty deep into disordered thinking and eating. I had this delusion that if ever I met her she would see something in me and train me into the shape I longed to be. Today, Jillian isn't one of my girl crushes. I respect her and would love to train with her. But she is no longer a Goddess.

At some point in my exercising career I started taking every exercise class under the sun. Needless to say I've been taught by many instructors. Naturally I'd form opinions of them. After the first or second class I'd decide if they would be a preferred instructor or not. My all time favorite fitness instructor in the wonderland that is Alaska would be Jennifer Timothy. She's fit. She's happy. She seems to care for the environment. She seems to have her life in order. She made fitness her career. She seems to genuinely care for me. Basically I dig her soul and her spirit. If I had met JT earlier in life and you asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up I might've said JT. Now I've found who I am and I like it! JT still has a beautiful soul and I still admire her greatly.

Christmas Abbott- if you follow me on instagram you'd know that I think this chick is a total babe. She's my woman crush Wednesday picture every time I participate in woman crush Wednesday. She is a crossfit champ and that alone makes my head spin. I aspire to be bomb as f*ck at crossfit. I guess I want to be a badass like Christmas one day. Also her tattoos are glorious.

Katelyn Houston- You might not know the name yet. But you will. This lady has goals! We've gotten to know each other recently so I'd like to honor her here. I admire her honesty, her passion for progress, and her punctuality for texting. Katelyn, you make me laugh and I cant seem to wipe the smile off my face while chatting with you.  You keep doing you and you will take the world by storm. Watch for her on the USA women's soccer team as a keeper and a contender in the Crossfit Games.



Sorry this post was kinda long.

Bre: More love than ever before. ED: ed who?

The Purpose of This Blog

Hi! 

So last night I was scrolling through my phone just like almost all of my generation does every hour of everyday and I saw that a couple of my friends "liked" a post that I posted on the wall of an "Eating Disorder Support Page" where I was trying to promote my blog so that more people who need it could see it. I was shocked. I might even have gasped when I saw that I wasn't as sneaky as I first imagined. Those wall posts weren't really supposed to be seen by MY friends unless of course they just so happened to be on the page that I posted the promotion on. 

Anyways, although I was a bit dumbfounded this new acknowledgement of my blog wasn't all bad. So what if my friends know that I have a blog? I don't care if they know that I struggled with an eating disorder. Spread the word about me having an eating disorder. I'm not ashamed. I'm proud of who I am and what I've gone through. This chapter in my life definitely tore me down. But without it I wouldn't have half the passion I do today.  My blog is private sort of, but then again it's posted on the Internet for all to see. My thought process about this blog may have been a little skewed but over all my intentions for this blog have always stayed true. 

The purpose of my blog is to spread awareness to those who don't think that eating disorders are around them and to those who think that having an eating disorder is a choice and that people use them to get the attention of others. That is not the root of many eating disorders. Some I'm sure, but not many. Another purpose of this blog is to give hope to people that are struggling with their own recovery. Everyone has their own struggles and none of them are easy to get through. If I can make any ones day a little bit brighter by reading my thoughts or my struggles then it was a post well written. For me writing is therapy. If you know me at all you know that I like to talk. I like to hear my thoughts out loud. It makes me know that they are real. It makes me accountable for the stream of consciousness that is constantly flowing through my brain. Sometimes I will say a thought out loud and cringe because I know it's just illogical but that's what I was thinking so I may as well own it. Writing and typing is therapeutic. If you've ever seen any psychology professional they've probably told you to write a letter to someone you wanted to speak to but never send it. Been there, done that, and now I've gotten the courage to actually send my letters. 

There's many more reasons that this blog exists but I won't bore you with all of them. I'm sure you get it. You're probably an intelligent lad. The point is I want to help and inform... Is that so much to ask? I didn't think so. 

Also If your name is mentioned in my blog.. I'm sorry. I haven't decided if I want to name names or make up names. Just know that if you're in this blog you've effected me in some way. CONGRATS or thanks but no thanks for hurting my feelings. But we shall get to that later. 

I hope you enjoy my blog. And learn a little something from the ED destroyer.

ED: 0 Bre: More confidence and bravery. 

Rebecca said this was blogworthy.

So I as of today I meet with my "behavioral health specialist" once a week. Throughout the week starting with the second I leave her office I write down things in my phones that I want to talk with rebecca about. Anyways I write a lot of thoughts that I've had through out the week. I write things like "I've been angry lately" or "perfect day" or "yolo samples." You're probably thinking I meant "you only live once so you should have samples." That's actually not what I meant. 

What I wanted to talk to rebecca about was yesterday's experience at Yogurt Lounge last night. I started off by getting three samples. One was root beer float, another was coffee delight, and the last was cake batter. I grabbed a spoon and day down to eat slash chat with my friend maria and her family. I ate them. They were delicious. I waited like I don't know.. Fifteen minutes? And then got up and got some more yogurt in a cup and actually paid money for it.. It was great! Orgasm in my mouth good. Alright, not that good but worth the 3 something I paid for it. 

You might be thinking, " soooo you got some yogurt, that's miraculous!" Well, it is miraculous! In the past I would've went in there alone and bought like 10 ounces of yogurt and ate it all in my car then I'd go back into the classy establishment that I purchased my dessert from then I'd walk into their locking bathroom and purge most of my stomach contents into their porcelain throne. I'd wait in their restroom for about 5 minutes or until the redness in my eyes and face looked more like a hint of peach rather than a crack addict that just tried to claw their eyes out. 

Yeahhhhh,  that sounds gross. I know... But remember that was my life for like 5 years. Anyways long story short I'm really proud my myself for that success. Go ahead, congratulate me. I won't let my head get to big..

Ed: 0 Bre: some bomb froyo

A Recipe for Happiness

Merry Saturday! 

It's June 1st which means my birthday is in exactly 2 weeks! If you're thinking of getting me a present I'm thinking about starting a "Bre Wants a Mac Book Pro Fund" and I'd be more than thrilled to make a contribution in your name. Just a thought, no pressure. Or in celebration of me turning the BIG one nine you could simply have an excellent day with the ones you love... cheesy I know buttttttt that's what I will be doing. 

But really, let's get to the real point of this post. 

The point is that when you are happy, truly happy, you will find simple pleasures in things that used to be a nuisance. I'm not talking about the days where someone asks you "How was your day?" and you tell them "Oh, it was good." I'm speaking on behalf of the days where someone asks you about your day and you respond with "Awesome!" and then you elaborate on how great your day was for roughly two minutes until you decide that they probably can't even imagine the magnitude of your day. They will ask so "Why was it so good? Did anything significant happen?" And you'll feel a bit strange because nothing "significant" did happen but you still feel like you're a goddess. 

Guess what? Something significant DID happen! you had another day of being healthy and truly content with the entire world around you. You have accomplished something today that used to be really tough for you. You might be experiencing these wonderful days quite often. You might be thinking that this serenity in the world is your new normal! You might be right! I certainly hope you are! But what I'm truly getting at is that I want you to appreciate these outstanding days for what they are. I want you to be so overjoyed by the fluttering feeling in your soul that you couldn't imagine a day of disappointing yourself. 

Sing in the shower. Scream of joy when you see an old friend. Hug your mom. Swing a kid around in circles and watch her face sparkle in the sun. Take your pup for a walk and tell him how beautiful he is even if he is pretty damn ugly. In your eyes he is a cuddle bug. Tell your grandpa how much he means to you. Take a breather and embrace all the good around you. Do something nice for others. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Greet some strangers. Complement that busy person on the street so they know that they are noticed. Rake the lawn and feel your body move with each stroke. Compliment someone. Be bold. Be honest with yourself and others. Smile because you're beautiful and you know it. Do all the little things that make a difference in your life and others. Be proud of the day you've accomplished. Aim for another. Shoot for a lifetime of serenity. 

Bre: Many days like this to come. <3 ED: floundering for a thought in my head.