Anxiety

Hey!

So today was my day of rest. I absolutely make myself take a rest day once a week. This morning I was excited about it. I was relieved that the pressure was off. I didn't need to worry about when I would go to the gym. I didn't have to worry about getting there or weather conditions and I didn't have to worry that I was eating enough grub.

But after a few hours of me doing homework and just lounging around in my room I got real board and real antsy. For me my anxiety works just like a switch.. and unlike a lever that increases intensity. One second I'm content with just sitting and the next I absolutely need to get moving. I wouldn't say that I'm anxious about anything else except for my activity level. That absolutely has to do with my ED. When I've worked out already I feel free to be calm, collected, and flexible but when I haven't I'm lost. I don't know who I am without exercising..

So even though it's a rest day I went on a long walk. The walk was really nice. It just gave me a chance to have some alone time, listen to some new music, and pet a few dogs! Just about everything I've read about rest days says that it is acceptable to do light cardio such as walking or biking so I feel like even though I went for my trek I was respecting my body's need for recovery. As an active person and a person who is medicated for ODC (really its for my anxiety around exercise/food) I absolutely need to move about. I can't be sedentary. It eats me up in side and makes my mind race. I can't explain to someone who doesn't have anxiety how it feels to be out of touch with who you think you are. I guess you should just know that it is uncomfortable.

Also, I'm sorry if I get short with you when I start falling apart. The ones who are close to me know how I am. It's no excuse for being bitchy but right now it's how I react.

Bre: Another rest day down. ED: Still making me anxious... is it ED or is it something else? The mystery remains.

As always, thanks for listening.

My dIzzy problem has been solved!

Happy Sunday! 

So, I have great news! I solved my dizziness during workouts problem! I have a lot of friends to thank for their advice and compassion. But mainly I just needed to eat something an hour to thirty minutes before exercising. Especially when lifting heavy. It didn't really matter what I ate before working out but I try to eat something with some fat or some protein in it just so it ties me over. Half a protein bar, an apple with peanut butter, a handful of trailmix, or a peanut and jelly sandwich were all great foods to give me sustained energy. 

So My roommate has heard a lot about this dizziness saga considering I talk A LOT about crossfit and lifting :). Anyways. My roommate made a sandwich after breakfast to smuggle out of the dinning hall for later nourishment. I get back to our dorm after class and see the sandwich on top of the fridge with a note that says. "My Dearest Bre, please eat this sandwich." I did eat the sandwich. I ate it right before going to crossfit. When we saw each other later that evening I asked why she didn't eat her sandwich. She said the cutest thing ever! She said, "Well I knew you wouldn't eat before Crossfit so I made you a sandwich so you wouldn't get dizzy." My god... I'm so thankful to have such a caring and thoughtful friend to room with. Long story short, we make each other sandwiches just about every day now. Just in case we need them. And I will have you know, there hasn't been a single sandwich that has gone uneaten in our place of living. 

Thanks Katy! and Thank you to everyone else who took time out of there days to text me or call me and discuss possible solutions for my dizziness problem. <3

Ed: 0 Bre: better workouts. 

Dizzy for Dayz

Happy Saturday!

I've recently started a new job that requires me to work on Saturday mornings. This means that I cant go to crossfit on Saturdays. With the amount of money I make in one morning of work it is worth it to miss crossfit for one day. Since I am missing Saturday's crossfit workout I've decided to make Saturday's my rest day. Sunday is now another training day for me. Therefore, although I don't have a set day for blogging I can totally foresee Saturday (my Sabbath and day of rest) being the day of the week I am most-likely to blog.

As always, I've been trying to listen to my body. Trying to hear it when it tells me that I'm hungry. Trying to hush it when I want to eat out of bordem (which doesn't happen as often as it did when I was binging and purging.) Trying to honor it when it tells me that it needs more recovery time.

Since I've been in Colorado I have been at a new box (crossfit gym). It's just as challenging as the gym back home. And I really enjoy my time there. But something scary has been happening to me almost every time I pick up a moderately heavy to heavy weight. I get really dizzy as soon as I get the bar up. Sometimes this dizziness will start as soon as I've bent down to grab the weight. It's really strange. At first I kind of thought it was cool because it was a new feeling. Almost a high like feeling. But as soon as it affected the amount of weight I could lift and the confidence I had as I rolled the bar back towards my shins I realized that this dizziness I was experiencing was not cool and actually hindering my progress. It's scary. I've never fell when experiencing this. I've always been in a position where I could drop the bar safely. But what if I wasn't in a safe position. I fear that if I was doing a squat and this dizziness/ light headedness came on that maybe I wouldn't be able to toss the bar away. I could be crushed! Who knows! 

There are so many possibilities for why this is happening. So many variables! It could be due to the heat. It could be due to the altitude. I'm pretty sure Fort Collins is around a mile high. It could be due to dehydration. I've been sweating even more than normal since I've been here. It could be that I'm not eating enough. It could be because I have naturally low blood pressure and I sometimes get dips in my blood pressure as I am lifting. There a just so many reasons why I'm getting dizzy! But one thing is for absolute certain. My body is telling me something.

I want so bad to think that this dizziness is not my fault. I want to think that I am giving my body exactly what it needs every hour of every day. But I must be doing something wrong! It's dishearting because I feel like I'm trying so hard! That's alright though. I shall just adjust and figure out what needs changing.

What I've been hearing often and what has been resonating with me most is... maybe I'm not eating enough. I eat when I'm hungry and food is available. To me that sounds like intuitive eating. I am not restricting or telling my body that it can't have something because its "unhealthy." I'm just eating what I want when I want it. Most of the time I want whole foods but sometimes I crave sugar. I'm fine with that. I have no idea how many calories I consume or burn in a day. I cant think about that stuff. I wont start counting calories again. I wont. I dont want to. I feel like I eat enough because when I'm hungry I eat. But when I told my Coach I was getting dizzy he asked when the last time I ate. I told him that it was about 4 hours ago and he said that was unacceptable and it's no wonder that I wasn't feeling right. I told my dearest Coach/compadre Natalie about this ordeal. I explained it in detail and sent her a rough outline of what I eat almost everyday and what activity I do. She said that her diagnosis was that I wasn't eating enough.

I hate hearing that. I want so bad to be doing health and fitness right! Do you know what it's like to feel so passionate about something and then someone with more knowledge and experience to tell you that you dont quite have it? I dont like hearing that "I need to eat more." I want my body to tell me that I need to eat more by sending me hungry signals! Eating more might be something I always struggle with. But what matters is I'm trying to do whats right for me right?

I'm trying new things like eating before workouts and hopefully it helps.

Thanks for reading. Let me know if you can relate. Let me know If you've been through this. And thank you to everyone I've talked to that have given me advice.

Strong is the new skinny. Right? Damn straight. <3

Shirtless and Proud

Hey! 

Just so you know I've been doing crossfit since june 17th and eating basically what ever my body asks for since march of 2013. Before this I've never had the opportunity to see what "getting in shape" actually looks like. It's impossible to increase your physical performance and even appearance for that matter when you aren't eating and are overtraining. Along the way with crossfit I've seen huge improvement in skills and increased weight I've been able to lift and even increased weight on my body. 

In the past increasing my body weight would've been a near suicidal experience. Today I've never felt so confident. I've never had the audacity to take my shirt of during a workout. Never had the courage to be the only woman in the room lacking a shirt. Today if I'm working hard and don't want a shirt. No questions asked, I'm taking it off and throwing it on the floor with gusto. I'm proud of what I have. My body isn't perfect. And it never will be. It's just the tool that allows me to do everything I want to do in everyday life from doing 30 handstand push ups in a row from hugging a friend. I will wear whatever I want. 

Have you ever taken your shirt off when you can barely breathe? its impossible to suck in or even flex your tummy. It's an invigorating feeling to know that I am surrounded my nonjudgemental people. They are athletes and not the same elementary school kids that used to make me feel inferior. These athletes will tell me at the end of a workout that I worked my ass off. They wont tell me that because I look good or bad during the workout. They will tell me that because they know me and they can see that I'm working hard. I guess what I'm saying is be comfortable with your friends and the people who know you. As you grow up you see that body weight, size, and appearance means less and less. The people I surround myself with don't care what size jeans I wear but are more impressed with the sweat pouring off my body and the amount of blood that my heart is pumping out.  

This is kind of an add on to my last post about wearing what makes you comfortable. I'm just so happy to say that I can add being shirtless to my list of comforting clothing.

Wear what makes you comfortable

As I walk around Colorado State University I see beautiful women everywhere. There are definently women of all different shapes and sizes but some sizes are more prevalent than others. Last year as I walked around campus I was blind to most of the sizes I was seeing. I would see the size 2 women. The size 4 women and the occasional size 6. I wasn't paying any attention to the women of larger sizes. I notice when people are dressed up. When I see small women dresses up I figure that they are dressed that way because they are comfortable with how they look in those clothes. Comfortable is something I still struggle with. If I'm wearing "real people clothes" I'm probably in a vulnerable state. In the past I felt like I was being judged. Like people were looking at me and asking how I had the audacity to wear something tight fitting or moderately short. I was self-conscious. I still am at least a little, maybe slightly more than the average college girl to be honest.

But now as I look around campus and see women big and small. I see women wearing all different types of clothes. I don't know what to think really. I appreciate the fit girls wearing athletic clothes or a T-shirt because it makes me think that maybe they don't mind what they look like so much. I like seeing  curvy, possibly even plus sized women wearing stylish "real people clothes." I makes me see that they are confident in themselves even if their body isn't their favorite attribute. Or maybe their body is their favorite attribute and they don't see the petite girls as the ideal size. I see people of all different sizes wearing all different sizes of clothing and rocking them. 

One day I will be able to put on "real people clothes" and feel as confident as I do in workout attire. However, I don't believe that day is here yet. 

Wear what makes you comfortable.