Breakable

This is a cop out beginning to a blog post.. I apologize for not blogging lately. I've been busy and also I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was meant for this blog. I often have that happen. I experience something that is deep and possibly blog worthy and then I chicken out and down post it. I'm not always as audacious as I make myself seem. There is things I dont post on here because of what other's might think. This blog isn't just something that strangers read. A lot of people I know read it. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that the majority of views I get come from people I know. I dont think thats a good or bad thing but it does make me think twice, and sometimes even thrice before I write a blog post about something. I'm sure this hesitation makes for a less interesting blog but I'm sure you, a very worldly human, can understand that not everything I experience ends up on the internet.

To be honest, I'm not even completely sure what this blog is about anymore. It's kind of just turned into a place where I write my thoughts. Usually these thoughts have something to do with crossfit or bulimia but lately I've been thinking more about relationships. I haven't been posting those thoughts on here but in reality I need a place to process so this blog might become an outlet for that. Just a heads up. All is fair in love and blogging... ( I think that's how the quote goes).

Alright lets get real. After all it wouldn't be a worthwhile blogging sesh if I didnt get something off my chest. In the past year I've had like three failed relationships. I mean, I absolutely learning something from each of them but still 3 or maybe even 4 failed relationships in less than a year seems like a shitty record to be holding. I've noticed that I was the one who ended all but one. For awhile that one relationship that I had minimal control over got to me. I'd be lying if I said it didnt still get to me. That relationship taught me how much I HATE being out of control. feeling powerless is something I've never been used to. Thats what diet and exercise is.. control over your body. Anyways, to this day I dont know if its the girl that I miss or the feeling of having control.

Since then I've been dating and thinging around. There's really nothing wrong with that but I'm not actually sure thats what I want. I flirt with everyone, I dont need to go on a date to do that. I think I'd rather just have a stable relationship to depend on rather than fun little dates. Since that one relationship that I didnt end I've been the one doing all the ending. I've been the one backing out without really giving them a chance. I backout, then I apologize for the way I handled it, but not for the way I was feeling or the words I said, then I expect things to go back to the way things were before I stuck my foot in my mouth. Welll, they dont go back to the way things were. It turns out that not everyone is willing to let themselves be vulnerable with someone more than once. My therapist says that's normal and that is them being smart, instinctual, and protective. I now realize that in order for someone to realize that you are actually "sorry" you have to make yourself more than vunerable. You have to give them the opportunity to absolutely crush you. And if you aren't willing to put yourself in that kind of position then you probably arent as "sorry" as you say you are. And you probably dont want them back as much as you say you do. If they end up crushing you. Sit with it. Feel it. Let it happen and dont try to crawl backwards. you should never feel sorry for letting your feelings flow. You should be proud that you took that step because most wouldn't have.

The only way to make real, lasting connections is to let yourself be breakable.