Today I spoke at a "body acceptance week" event. It was my responsibility to facilitate a conversation around America's perceptions of beauty. When I first decided to be a speaker I assumed I would introduce myself as someone who had struggled with an eating disorder but when the time came to step up to that podium I wasn't sure if it was necessary for me to tell them that.
I walked up to the podium and left my note cards in my bag which was not even close to me. I did that on purpose. I didnt think I need them. After all they were just potential questions to ask the group. I introduced myself as Bre. after all that is who I am and who I always will be. That introduction was a given. What came next was the variable.
I said, "Hi im Bre, as Janelle said I am an Resident Assistant in Edwards Hall. But that doesn't really qualify me to be up here speaking to you. I'm up here because within this past year I have learned how to not only accept my body but respect it. That used to be really hard for me. I used to struggle with my eating disorder. But those days are over and im traveling down the road to recovery. Alright. How lets talk about America's perception of beauty."
My opening statement might not have been the smoothest. It might have been a little unnecessary to flaunt my recovery but I had to. It's something im really proud of. Talking to groups of people who are interested in challenging the definition of beauty is what I'd like to do for the rest of my life. I had to start somewhere so I started with "Hi I'm Bre." It was terrifying to stand in front of this group. When I looked down at the legs I used to be ashamed of I saw that they were trembling. Not from starvation but from anticipation and nerves. This shaking was a good shaking. A shaking that I earned.
It was a cool experience so I thought I'd share.
Be brave.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Saturday, February 22, 2014
2014 Reebok Crossfit Open
Welllll... Everybody and their brother is posting about the Crossfit Open so I my as well join the club.
I've been doing Crossfit for 8 months now. I'm completely in love. Never have I ever been able to test myself the way Crossfit has let me. Never have I felt so spent, so strained, so trained. Never have I felt so fit, so ready to do anything. Never have I been so confident or proud of myself. Today a big big big part of my life revolves around crossfit and I am 100% okay with that.
This will be my first time competing in the open. I have almost no hope of making it to the South West Regionals which is a big part of competing in the open ( to get to regionals). I'm competing even though there is a 99% chance I wont make it to regionals .
You might be thinking that I'm not competitive. I am. This year just isn't all about competing. In fact, now that I think of it I don't think anything will ever be "just about competing." This year is about getting my feet wet. It's about the experience. Its about being a part of the crossfit community. Its knowing how far I've come and how far I can and will go. Possibly more than anything it's about the love I have for crossfit and for what it's done for me.
I'm going to try this year in the open that is for sure. But I'm going to try not to let my training slip just for the open. This year is more about preparation for next year than it is about rankings for this year.
Right now I'm right where I want to be and I'm sure that in a few years I will be right where I want to be too.
Do what you love and love the journey. Fall in love with the beat of your own heart.
I've been doing Crossfit for 8 months now. I'm completely in love. Never have I ever been able to test myself the way Crossfit has let me. Never have I felt so spent, so strained, so trained. Never have I felt so fit, so ready to do anything. Never have I been so confident or proud of myself. Today a big big big part of my life revolves around crossfit and I am 100% okay with that.
This will be my first time competing in the open. I have almost no hope of making it to the South West Regionals which is a big part of competing in the open ( to get to regionals). I'm competing even though there is a 99% chance I wont make it to regionals .
You might be thinking that I'm not competitive. I am. This year just isn't all about competing. In fact, now that I think of it I don't think anything will ever be "just about competing." This year is about getting my feet wet. It's about the experience. Its about being a part of the crossfit community. Its knowing how far I've come and how far I can and will go. Possibly more than anything it's about the love I have for crossfit and for what it's done for me.
I'm going to try this year in the open that is for sure. But I'm going to try not to let my training slip just for the open. This year is more about preparation for next year than it is about rankings for this year.
Right now I'm right where I want to be and I'm sure that in a few years I will be right where I want to be too.
Do what you love and love the journey. Fall in love with the beat of your own heart.
Valentine's Day 2014
Guess what day it was yesterday.. I'll give you a hint, today is the 15th of February... CORRECT yesterday was Valentine's Day! I've never been one of those people who hates Valentines Day. I've never understood how hating something could make you feel any better. In fact, for me, hate hasn't cured anything ever. I believe in love. I believe in all types of love. I believe that love and passion can cure all.
Anyways, I didn't have a conventional date for Valentines Day this year... I know.. it's shocking.. But really, not having someone to cuddle on Valentines day was not awful. Not in the slightest. I had an unorthadox date for February 14th, 2014. I had a date with "Fran."
Fran is a one of the benchmark workouts for Crossfit. Apparently, at Wild Horizons Crossfit we do Fran every Valentines day. Who am I to mess with tradition? I was going to take Fran out for a night on the town just like all the other athletes at Wild Horizons Crossfit. This would be the first time I did Fran without scaling the workout (doing less than prescribed). In case you dont know, Fran is 21-15-9 of Thrusters 65/95 lbs and chin over bar pull-ups. Since this was my first true Fran I didn't know what to shoot for. Some of the elite Crossfit athletes can do Fran in a little over 2 mins. I knew that was to fast for me. I knew I wanted under eight because that's how fast I did it the first time when I scaled it. I arrived at the box and saw that the time cap for the workout was 6 minutes... It looks like I found a target to shot for.
I did Fran in the last heat of the day. Every single competive athlete around me was destined to finish in under 5 minutes, some of them under three. Some how I wound up in the most stacked heat of the day, which was totally fine, but their athleticism and history with crossfit did not go unnoticed.
3-2-1-GO! Fran began. 21 thrusters at 65 pounds. Not to difficult. They're just heavy wallballs. I'm the last one to finish in my heat but only by seconds (awesome start) I look up at the pull up bar and grab it. I start my pull ups. For some reason linking them just wasnt feeling right. So I just started doing singular pull ups to chip those 21 away slowly but surely. By the time I was done with my first 21 pull ups my coach and some of the other big boys were FINISHED with fran. THATS SO COOL!
I really do train with some incredible humans. Anyways before the first set of 21 pull ups was finished I'd ripped my hand.. Shit.. oh well. only like 50 more reps to go. Anyways.. I kept going. I looked to my friends for support. I could hear sounds of sweaty palms slapping together and the sound of me chocking on air. The sound of barbells crashing. The sound of athletes cheering. This is my home and I just love it. Eventually the 6th minute finishes and I drop to the floor.. I look to my peers almost in tears and hear jenna ask how many more reps I have. I spit out the word "nine" and she tells me to finish. I do 3 pull ups and tell her "I.. I.. feel like" and she tells me to do 3 more. I do. And say "I'm going to puke" she says do 3 more. I do.. As I lay on the ground by the pull up bars a guy comes over and tells me that I'm an inspiration, that watching me was inspiring.. Nothing picks me off the ground faster than beautiful words like that. :)
I live for that. I love hearing that i've inspired. That I've made a difference. That maybe later when they aren't feeling strong they'll think of me. Maybe thats why I try so hard. I crave someone telling me something like that. I crave the feeling of knowing I went hard and knowing what I just did was damn impressive.
So I didn't have a legit date for Valentines day.. And I'm more than alright with that. I have a date with Crossfit everyday and I cherish every moment with her. If you haven't seen me roaming about a crossfit gym after an incredible workout then you haven't seen me at all. If you haven't seen my eyes light up when I talk about crossfit you haven't seen my eyes.
Forever loving Fran
Anyways, I didn't have a conventional date for Valentines Day this year... I know.. it's shocking.. But really, not having someone to cuddle on Valentines day was not awful. Not in the slightest. I had an unorthadox date for February 14th, 2014. I had a date with "Fran."
Fran is a one of the benchmark workouts for Crossfit. Apparently, at Wild Horizons Crossfit we do Fran every Valentines day. Who am I to mess with tradition? I was going to take Fran out for a night on the town just like all the other athletes at Wild Horizons Crossfit. This would be the first time I did Fran without scaling the workout (doing less than prescribed). In case you dont know, Fran is 21-15-9 of Thrusters 65/95 lbs and chin over bar pull-ups. Since this was my first true Fran I didn't know what to shoot for. Some of the elite Crossfit athletes can do Fran in a little over 2 mins. I knew that was to fast for me. I knew I wanted under eight because that's how fast I did it the first time when I scaled it. I arrived at the box and saw that the time cap for the workout was 6 minutes... It looks like I found a target to shot for.
I did Fran in the last heat of the day. Every single competive athlete around me was destined to finish in under 5 minutes, some of them under three. Some how I wound up in the most stacked heat of the day, which was totally fine, but their athleticism and history with crossfit did not go unnoticed.
3-2-1-GO! Fran began. 21 thrusters at 65 pounds. Not to difficult. They're just heavy wallballs. I'm the last one to finish in my heat but only by seconds (awesome start) I look up at the pull up bar and grab it. I start my pull ups. For some reason linking them just wasnt feeling right. So I just started doing singular pull ups to chip those 21 away slowly but surely. By the time I was done with my first 21 pull ups my coach and some of the other big boys were FINISHED with fran. THATS SO COOL!
I really do train with some incredible humans. Anyways before the first set of 21 pull ups was finished I'd ripped my hand.. Shit.. oh well. only like 50 more reps to go. Anyways.. I kept going. I looked to my friends for support. I could hear sounds of sweaty palms slapping together and the sound of me chocking on air. The sound of barbells crashing. The sound of athletes cheering. This is my home and I just love it. Eventually the 6th minute finishes and I drop to the floor.. I look to my peers almost in tears and hear jenna ask how many more reps I have. I spit out the word "nine" and she tells me to finish. I do 3 pull ups and tell her "I.. I.. feel like" and she tells me to do 3 more. I do. And say "I'm going to puke" she says do 3 more. I do.. As I lay on the ground by the pull up bars a guy comes over and tells me that I'm an inspiration, that watching me was inspiring.. Nothing picks me off the ground faster than beautiful words like that. :)
I live for that. I love hearing that i've inspired. That I've made a difference. That maybe later when they aren't feeling strong they'll think of me. Maybe thats why I try so hard. I crave someone telling me something like that. I crave the feeling of knowing I went hard and knowing what I just did was damn impressive.
So I didn't have a legit date for Valentines day.. And I'm more than alright with that. I have a date with Crossfit everyday and I cherish every moment with her. If you haven't seen me roaming about a crossfit gym after an incredible workout then you haven't seen me at all. If you haven't seen my eyes light up when I talk about crossfit you haven't seen my eyes.
Forever loving Fran
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
New tattoo/Meaning
Thats what I tell people when I show them my new tattoo. Then they usually tell me how they think it looks cool and that they like all the colors. Then they usually ask me what it means. For me, tattoos don't just have one meaning. The meaning can change from day to day, instance to instance, and even second to second. I'd rather ask them "What do you think it should mean? If this was on your body right now what would you associate it with? What does the purple signify? Why a trout? Why make it so vibrant?" Numerous people have asked me why I got this and what does it mean and every person gets a different story, a different meaning.
Sometimes I look down at my foot and see beauty. I see how pretty the artwork on my foot is. I see all the time and planning the artist took on it. Sometimes I look down and see tolerance- I had to tolerate a lot of pain to get this permanently on my body. Sometimes I look down and see the friends that held my hand and hung out with me in the tattoo parlor for hours. Sometimes I see the rainbow and to me that triggers thoughts of identities, identities that I hold and that others hold, identities that I'm proud of, identities that aren't plain to see. Sometimes I see the fish and see it's will, it's courage. Also, have you seen a fish move? It's a thing of wonder. There are tons of other meanings I could assoiciate this tattoo with. There is not just one meaning.
But really, One SUPER VALID reason I thought this tattoo would be awesome is because when I stick my foot underwater I can trick people(even lifeguards) that there is a fish in the water!
Love,
Bre
Monday, February 3, 2014
Breakable
This is a cop out beginning to a blog post.. I apologize for not blogging lately. I've been busy and also I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was meant for this blog. I often have that happen. I experience something that is deep and possibly blog worthy and then I chicken out and down post it. I'm not always as audacious as I make myself seem. There is things I dont post on here because of what other's might think. This blog isn't just something that strangers read. A lot of people I know read it. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that the majority of views I get come from people I know. I dont think thats a good or bad thing but it does make me think twice, and sometimes even thrice before I write a blog post about something. I'm sure this hesitation makes for a less interesting blog but I'm sure you, a very worldly human, can understand that not everything I experience ends up on the internet.
To be honest, I'm not even completely sure what this blog is about anymore. It's kind of just turned into a place where I write my thoughts. Usually these thoughts have something to do with crossfit or bulimia but lately I've been thinking more about relationships. I haven't been posting those thoughts on here but in reality I need a place to process so this blog might become an outlet for that. Just a heads up. All is fair in love and blogging... ( I think that's how the quote goes).
Alright lets get real. After all it wouldn't be a worthwhile blogging sesh if I didnt get something off my chest. In the past year I've had like three failed relationships. I mean, I absolutely learning something from each of them but still 3 or maybe even 4 failed relationships in less than a year seems like a shitty record to be holding. I've noticed that I was the one who ended all but one. For awhile that one relationship that I had minimal control over got to me. I'd be lying if I said it didnt still get to me. That relationship taught me how much I HATE being out of control. feeling powerless is something I've never been used to. Thats what diet and exercise is.. control over your body. Anyways, to this day I dont know if its the girl that I miss or the feeling of having control.
Since then I've been dating and thinging around. There's really nothing wrong with that but I'm not actually sure thats what I want. I flirt with everyone, I dont need to go on a date to do that. I think I'd rather just have a stable relationship to depend on rather than fun little dates. Since that one relationship that I didnt end I've been the one doing all the ending. I've been the one backing out without really giving them a chance. I backout, then I apologize for the way I handled it, but not for the way I was feeling or the words I said, then I expect things to go back to the way things were before I stuck my foot in my mouth. Welll, they dont go back to the way things were. It turns out that not everyone is willing to let themselves be vulnerable with someone more than once. My therapist says that's normal and that is them being smart, instinctual, and protective. I now realize that in order for someone to realize that you are actually "sorry" you have to make yourself more than vunerable. You have to give them the opportunity to absolutely crush you. And if you aren't willing to put yourself in that kind of position then you probably arent as "sorry" as you say you are. And you probably dont want them back as much as you say you do. If they end up crushing you. Sit with it. Feel it. Let it happen and dont try to crawl backwards. you should never feel sorry for letting your feelings flow. You should be proud that you took that step because most wouldn't have.
The only way to make real, lasting connections is to let yourself be breakable.
To be honest, I'm not even completely sure what this blog is about anymore. It's kind of just turned into a place where I write my thoughts. Usually these thoughts have something to do with crossfit or bulimia but lately I've been thinking more about relationships. I haven't been posting those thoughts on here but in reality I need a place to process so this blog might become an outlet for that. Just a heads up. All is fair in love and blogging... ( I think that's how the quote goes).
Alright lets get real. After all it wouldn't be a worthwhile blogging sesh if I didnt get something off my chest. In the past year I've had like three failed relationships. I mean, I absolutely learning something from each of them but still 3 or maybe even 4 failed relationships in less than a year seems like a shitty record to be holding. I've noticed that I was the one who ended all but one. For awhile that one relationship that I had minimal control over got to me. I'd be lying if I said it didnt still get to me. That relationship taught me how much I HATE being out of control. feeling powerless is something I've never been used to. Thats what diet and exercise is.. control over your body. Anyways, to this day I dont know if its the girl that I miss or the feeling of having control.
Since then I've been dating and thinging around. There's really nothing wrong with that but I'm not actually sure thats what I want. I flirt with everyone, I dont need to go on a date to do that. I think I'd rather just have a stable relationship to depend on rather than fun little dates. Since that one relationship that I didnt end I've been the one doing all the ending. I've been the one backing out without really giving them a chance. I backout, then I apologize for the way I handled it, but not for the way I was feeling or the words I said, then I expect things to go back to the way things were before I stuck my foot in my mouth. Welll, they dont go back to the way things were. It turns out that not everyone is willing to let themselves be vulnerable with someone more than once. My therapist says that's normal and that is them being smart, instinctual, and protective. I now realize that in order for someone to realize that you are actually "sorry" you have to make yourself more than vunerable. You have to give them the opportunity to absolutely crush you. And if you aren't willing to put yourself in that kind of position then you probably arent as "sorry" as you say you are. And you probably dont want them back as much as you say you do. If they end up crushing you. Sit with it. Feel it. Let it happen and dont try to crawl backwards. you should never feel sorry for letting your feelings flow. You should be proud that you took that step because most wouldn't have.
The only way to make real, lasting connections is to let yourself be breakable.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Talking About The Tough Stuff
Talking about the hard stuff.. It's FUCKING HARD!
"No one said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it." said someone who was spot on!
Talking about the tough stuff is awful. At least in the beginning. It's awkward and difficult. You choke a little each time you try to tell someone whats been eating you up inside. You cant help but be mad that the person you're telling cant read your mind. you just want it to be over. Maybe you dont even care if they know you just dont know how to say it.
I didn't used to talk about the tough stuff but now I do. I used to ignore what I was thinking, feeling, and wanting. I used to act like everything was great and I was living the perfect life. I don't act anymore. I've become honest. If I like you, you know it because I've told you. If I love you, I've said it. I've probably also written you something so sweet that you cried a little. If I'm feeling pissy or just in a bad mood, I've made it very clear, in fact I've probably also said something along the lines of "I'm in a terrible mood. No seriously, do not touch me." If you've done something to hurt me or just something that I cant stand I wont try to stand it. I will let you know how much you messed up. If I want to cry, I cry. I dont try to hide it.
I do all of this because I spent years of my life not talking about how I was thinking, feeling, and wanting. All this not talking eventually turned into disordered eating and then into almost indestructible habits. Talking about stuff has saved my life.
There is nothing wrong with having feelings and talking about them with a loved one or a therapist.
You cant get over something until you wade neck deep in it and almost drown.
Talk about the tough stuff. Be brave. Be bold. Be you.
"No one said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it." said someone who was spot on!
Talking about the tough stuff is awful. At least in the beginning. It's awkward and difficult. You choke a little each time you try to tell someone whats been eating you up inside. You cant help but be mad that the person you're telling cant read your mind. you just want it to be over. Maybe you dont even care if they know you just dont know how to say it.
I didn't used to talk about the tough stuff but now I do. I used to ignore what I was thinking, feeling, and wanting. I used to act like everything was great and I was living the perfect life. I don't act anymore. I've become honest. If I like you, you know it because I've told you. If I love you, I've said it. I've probably also written you something so sweet that you cried a little. If I'm feeling pissy or just in a bad mood, I've made it very clear, in fact I've probably also said something along the lines of "I'm in a terrible mood. No seriously, do not touch me." If you've done something to hurt me or just something that I cant stand I wont try to stand it. I will let you know how much you messed up. If I want to cry, I cry. I dont try to hide it.
I do all of this because I spent years of my life not talking about how I was thinking, feeling, and wanting. All this not talking eventually turned into disordered eating and then into almost indestructible habits. Talking about stuff has saved my life.
There is nothing wrong with having feelings and talking about them with a loved one or a therapist.
You cant get over something until you wade neck deep in it and almost drown.
Talk about the tough stuff. Be brave. Be bold. Be you.
Accepting Your Athletic Body. Pros/Cons of Being JACKED!
Hey there,
So I just read this awesome article about "accepting your crossfit body." Here it is: http://liferxd.com/2013/11/20/accepting-my-crossfit-body/
Anyays, you can read it. I recommend it but you dont have to. I'm going to tell you a bit about it anyways.
Basically the article was about accepting all that comes with crossfit and accepting what it does to your body. This article is more geared towards women but in reality it could be useful for men as well depending on how you see yourself. It talks about things from callused hands to triceps that are visible through a shirt. As a woman growing up in a society that bowed down to the slender women I've thought a lot about the aftermath of lifting heavy. I might get bigger.. At first that scared me. Now it doesn't. It's actually really hard to gain size. In fact if you are a female crossfitter you actually have to TRY to gain muscle mass if thats what you want. Santa doesn't bring muscular thighs and a round ass for Christmas. You're going to have to lift a lot of weight and eat a lot to build up those muscles! So I guess what I'm saying is that crossfit wont make you gain a ton of weight. And even if it did... Crossfit makes it show in beautiful ways. The key is body acceptance and self love.
The article talked about female athletes who have a hard time finding clothes that "fit" them the way they want them to. I've been an athlete almost my entire life and I'm very familiar with the jeans that that are tight in the thighs and huge in the waist. There has been times I could've stored a honey dew melon in the front of my waist band but puting on leggings under my jeans would've been out of the question. I used to complain about that and hate that my thighs are that big. Today I realize that I would way rather have those musularly thick thighs than any others. Those thighs and probably some more muscle is whats going to help me squat over 200 pounds. If that means that when I wear jeans I will also have to wear a belt, so be it.
The article talked about getting black heads and clogged pores from the dirty mats we sometimes lay our bodies on. I guess all I have to say about that is love what you do and accept all that comes with it. if you're a cross country runner love your foot calluses because they protect your feet and fight against blisters. If you're a tennis player love your hugely muscular shoulders because they allow you to win matches and they to protect against injury. Love whatever your love brings whether that be zits, calluses, sore muscles, ripped clothes, or even less leisure time because you chose this life for a reason.
Overall, I guess what I'm saying is that overtime crossfit is going to make me abnormally muscular and a spectacle for non crossfitters to gocke at. I'm completely fine with the fact that I wont look like an average american woman. I'm fine with this because I have no desire to be an AVERAGE american woman. I want to be elite in every aspect of my life that is important to me. If im going to be an elite crossfitter im going to need to rock an elite body. Bring on the clothes that dont fit perfectly and the abnormal body. I want my life just the way I like it way more than I want to look perfect.
Rock what you got! and if God blessed you with muscles that do work flaunt them. Also remember that no one judges you as hard as you do. Treat yourself the way you would treat your bestfriend and you will never suffer from self hatred.
Grow a pair...... of biceps.
Love all around
So I just read this awesome article about "accepting your crossfit body." Here it is: http://liferxd.com/2013/11/20/accepting-my-crossfit-body/
Anyays, you can read it. I recommend it but you dont have to. I'm going to tell you a bit about it anyways.
Basically the article was about accepting all that comes with crossfit and accepting what it does to your body. This article is more geared towards women but in reality it could be useful for men as well depending on how you see yourself. It talks about things from callused hands to triceps that are visible through a shirt. As a woman growing up in a society that bowed down to the slender women I've thought a lot about the aftermath of lifting heavy. I might get bigger.. At first that scared me. Now it doesn't. It's actually really hard to gain size. In fact if you are a female crossfitter you actually have to TRY to gain muscle mass if thats what you want. Santa doesn't bring muscular thighs and a round ass for Christmas. You're going to have to lift a lot of weight and eat a lot to build up those muscles! So I guess what I'm saying is that crossfit wont make you gain a ton of weight. And even if it did... Crossfit makes it show in beautiful ways. The key is body acceptance and self love.
The article talked about female athletes who have a hard time finding clothes that "fit" them the way they want them to. I've been an athlete almost my entire life and I'm very familiar with the jeans that that are tight in the thighs and huge in the waist. There has been times I could've stored a honey dew melon in the front of my waist band but puting on leggings under my jeans would've been out of the question. I used to complain about that and hate that my thighs are that big. Today I realize that I would way rather have those musularly thick thighs than any others. Those thighs and probably some more muscle is whats going to help me squat over 200 pounds. If that means that when I wear jeans I will also have to wear a belt, so be it.
The article talked about getting black heads and clogged pores from the dirty mats we sometimes lay our bodies on. I guess all I have to say about that is love what you do and accept all that comes with it. if you're a cross country runner love your foot calluses because they protect your feet and fight against blisters. If you're a tennis player love your hugely muscular shoulders because they allow you to win matches and they to protect against injury. Love whatever your love brings whether that be zits, calluses, sore muscles, ripped clothes, or even less leisure time because you chose this life for a reason.
Overall, I guess what I'm saying is that overtime crossfit is going to make me abnormally muscular and a spectacle for non crossfitters to gocke at. I'm completely fine with the fact that I wont look like an average american woman. I'm fine with this because I have no desire to be an AVERAGE american woman. I want to be elite in every aspect of my life that is important to me. If im going to be an elite crossfitter im going to need to rock an elite body. Bring on the clothes that dont fit perfectly and the abnormal body. I want my life just the way I like it way more than I want to look perfect.
Rock what you got! and if God blessed you with muscles that do work flaunt them. Also remember that no one judges you as hard as you do. Treat yourself the way you would treat your bestfriend and you will never suffer from self hatred.
Grow a pair...... of biceps.
Love all around
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